09. Angel of Fire – Breath of Immortality

Sometimes, absolute and utter shit slips through the cracks, and ends up becoming self-published, popular, or worse yet; both. Despite the shit being very obviously such, it still succeeds. Not only does it succeed, but it succeeds to the point where there are sequels. They turn into fucking trilogies and sagas! Twilight, Fifty Shades of Grey, every Young Adult novel after the Hunger Games (which I hate for my own reasons,) and now: Angel of Fire- The Breath of Immortality.

This just might be the spiritual successor to My Immortal, something so horrendously bad from the beginning, set in an edgy first-person narrative. The only step up is that it seems to have proper spelling. And yes, just like every other fuckfest on Wattpad, this has a recommended cast. If this ever becomes a movie, I’m going to ball up and cry.

Step into the edgy world of Chaos Killbourne, an angel (but not of God) that is destined to overthrow earth for the Dark Ones (real original), and can kill everything and everyone in the blink of an eye. That’s not a Mary Sue self-insert! Also if I want the polished version, I have to get off Wattpad and buy it on Amazon. I’d rather wipe my ass with a cactus, thank you very much.

Within the first few seconds, I already notice a few problems. No one is going to be okay with the name Chaos to the point where it’s used casually, and the protagonist is so stereotypical that they have authority issues. Gym teacher is an asshole, the principle, and ex-military. Wow, I bet he’ll just be a one-off character and never be seen again.

She magically discovers her powers by trying to splash a puddle to spite her coach. Did I mention her name is Chaos? Because she’s just that powerful and edgy.

Yeah Chaos is causing chaos around the school. She didn’t get pizza, so she almost burnt down the school with her powers. Her justification? “Who runs out of pizza on Pizza Tuesdays?” But they’re so lucky because now the cafeteria could be renovated!

Also, of course our protagonist reveals that she has waist-length hair, because who wants to actually avoid a cliché, right?

“My hair couldn’t be tamed. Staring at my reflection in the blurry mirror, I knew prettifying myself like all the other girls in school was kinda pointless. Especially when the only make up I ever wore was heavy black eye shadow, and extra thick black eyeliner. Not because I wanted to look like a hell-raiser, but because I figured the color matched my soul.” Hello, is this the generic monologue emporium? I’d like to buy one angst-filled, teenage, young adult self-insert please, with extra edge. God it’s so clichéd, “oh no, I’m different than the other girls. I look like a hot mess and wear black make up BECAUSE I’M DARK INSIDE.”

She dresses in ripped jeans and an oversized black tee.

Oh and she doesn’t curse. She’s supposed to overthrow the earth, and she says “mother fudrucker.”

She downs “high-octane” energy drinks.

Now you might ask yourself: Does it get better? I mean, it’s got to, right? The first chapter is rough, sets the base for what’s to come. Well, once you hit the second chapter, and run into lines like: “Hey there, Freakzilla. Did you dress up for a special occasion, or are you just hiding under that hood because you’re really ugly?” (Said to a seven foot zombie) you realize that this can only get worse.

And it does. Somewhere along the line there’s a broom riding witch who creates a mind control serum, her friends die, and shitty names. I hate bad fantasy most of all, and this is someone who read a few slightly-less-shitty fantasies, and decided they wanted to do the same.

 

Predictable, boring, unimaginative, edgy, these are the words I’d use to describe this book. In a way, I’d like to compare this to one of my favorite fantasy series, The Dresden Files. In the series, we are treated to clichés being turned on their head. The main character, Harry Dresden, is a series of clichés himself. He is a private investigator that ticks several boxes on the chart, is a wizard that is revealed to be more and more powerful as time goes on, a smart ass with a remark for every occasion, and constantly saves the world. But these are all subverted: He’s a chivalrous detective with chauvinist mindset, constantly ditching rationality to aid women, and this bites him in the ass every time, especially when he gets saved by a woman. He’s powerful, but is always getting his ass handed to him. His snide, comedic remarks only dig him deeper, and show his inability to cope in any other way. When he saves the world, it’s usually because his plan worked on the most basic level, and someone else struck the final blow.

Chaos wants to be a badass, but also like Dresden in this sense, the wisecracking world-saver/ender, but she lacks the depth and subversion to pull off being such a cliché. Dresden is developed upon heavily, and as each book passes, he becomes a more compelling character. Chaos lacks any depth, any development, and there is no subversion to the clichés. Daughter of a powerful being, destined to destroy the world, has powers that she doesn’t understand, and so on and so forth.

It doesn’t compel me, it’s a drag to read this, and somehow this is stretched out to 49 chapters for the first book. Nothing is even laughably bad enough to make me want to continue reading.

 

Boring/10