10. Mated to the Werewolf King

So Wattpad has a vampire and a werewolf section. I’m looking at werewolves this week, let’s fucking do it.

Mated to the Werewolf King, 9.1 million views, and according to the author: “despite the title and cover page, this is not your typical or cliché werewolf story.” Good to know, because announcing that you’re not clichéd absolves you from it.

Our main character is named Belle, and she learns she’s not the actual daughter of the alpha of the pack. Nitpick time: Lycanthropy is generally a curse affecting individuals making them mindless killers once in a while, why would they travel in packs? Fuck Twilight for making this mainstream (I’ll forgive the Dresden Files because Jim Butcher makes good use of different mythologies.)

These are most definitely Twilight werewolves, she can transform into a wolf at will. You get hit right away with her being “destined” to be with someone, and it’s built up that he’s just her type.

An annoying trend is the use of “Moon Goddess,” they’re wolves not Wiccans.

She can transform and keep her clothes on because reasons!

Her father is the… DEMON LORD. (Lord, kill me now, this is not an easy read.)

“Right then, there was a knock at the door. Sam went to open it and came back with Gregory. Hunky Gregory. Yummy.” Anybody using the word “yummy” for another person makes my skin crawl.

Gregory is hot according to Belle, but is shy and insecure. No clichés here folks, none at all! Woop de doop.

Belle’s family owns a 75 inch flat screen TV. Where the hell does the demon lord work, Wall Street? (Please laugh at my jokes.)

Big brother is overprotective of his sister, and Gregory is a rose amongst thorns.

Werewolf King is also a thing. He’s big and beautiful, and has magical powers that can affect all the werewolves. Ooooh, spooky.

They meet witches, yadda yadda, she’s the mate of some guy named Keith but then she’s not, turns out she’s the mate of Lasarus, and I actually don’t care.

I don’t care about any of these people. Maybe it wasn’t chockful of clichés like Angel of Fire, but it didn’t keep me on my toes. Oh, she gets paired with an abusive asshole but then goes through a few mates, that’s real original. The author claimed that the story picks up after a few chapters, but the problem is (besides that being a lie) that there’s nothing in the first few chapters to make me want to continue reading. It starts off so poorly and unoriginal, that I’m left wondering why I’m reading this besides me wanting to find cringe-inducing werewolf literature.

Also, these are not proper werewolves, these are closer to skinwalkers or shamans rather than “lycanthrope that tears you to pieces and is harmed by silver.”

Throwing in other mythical beings doesn’t make for good fantasy, and something about supernatural beings like werewolves and vampires don’t make for good romance. I’d rather read about some warty witch from the swamp falling in love with a tree nymph, and having bondage sex rather than this.

What is it about Wattpad writing that it’s so boring? So far it hasn’t even been bad enough to be entertaining, it’s just been bad.

P.S.: Why does this have a sequel? Who wanted more? Why is this so popular?

09. Angel of Fire – Breath of Immortality

Sometimes, absolute and utter shit slips through the cracks, and ends up becoming self-published, popular, or worse yet; both. Despite the shit being very obviously such, it still succeeds. Not only does it succeed, but it succeeds to the point where there are sequels. They turn into fucking trilogies and sagas! Twilight, Fifty Shades of Grey, every Young Adult novel after the Hunger Games (which I hate for my own reasons,) and now: Angel of Fire- The Breath of Immortality.

This just might be the spiritual successor to My Immortal, something so horrendously bad from the beginning, set in an edgy first-person narrative. The only step up is that it seems to have proper spelling. And yes, just like every other fuckfest on Wattpad, this has a recommended cast. If this ever becomes a movie, I’m going to ball up and cry.

Step into the edgy world of Chaos Killbourne, an angel (but not of God) that is destined to overthrow earth for the Dark Ones (real original), and can kill everything and everyone in the blink of an eye. That’s not a Mary Sue self-insert! Also if I want the polished version, I have to get off Wattpad and buy it on Amazon. I’d rather wipe my ass with a cactus, thank you very much.

Within the first few seconds, I already notice a few problems. No one is going to be okay with the name Chaos to the point where it’s used casually, and the protagonist is so stereotypical that they have authority issues. Gym teacher is an asshole, the principle, and ex-military. Wow, I bet he’ll just be a one-off character and never be seen again.

She magically discovers her powers by trying to splash a puddle to spite her coach. Did I mention her name is Chaos? Because she’s just that powerful and edgy.

Yeah Chaos is causing chaos around the school. She didn’t get pizza, so she almost burnt down the school with her powers. Her justification? “Who runs out of pizza on Pizza Tuesdays?” But they’re so lucky because now the cafeteria could be renovated!

Also, of course our protagonist reveals that she has waist-length hair, because who wants to actually avoid a cliché, right?

“My hair couldn’t be tamed. Staring at my reflection in the blurry mirror, I knew prettifying myself like all the other girls in school was kinda pointless. Especially when the only make up I ever wore was heavy black eye shadow, and extra thick black eyeliner. Not because I wanted to look like a hell-raiser, but because I figured the color matched my soul.” Hello, is this the generic monologue emporium? I’d like to buy one angst-filled, teenage, young adult self-insert please, with extra edge. God it’s so clichéd, “oh no, I’m different than the other girls. I look like a hot mess and wear black make up BECAUSE I’M DARK INSIDE.”

She dresses in ripped jeans and an oversized black tee.

Oh and she doesn’t curse. She’s supposed to overthrow the earth, and she says “mother fudrucker.”

She downs “high-octane” energy drinks.

Now you might ask yourself: Does it get better? I mean, it’s got to, right? The first chapter is rough, sets the base for what’s to come. Well, once you hit the second chapter, and run into lines like: “Hey there, Freakzilla. Did you dress up for a special occasion, or are you just hiding under that hood because you’re really ugly?” (Said to a seven foot zombie) you realize that this can only get worse.

And it does. Somewhere along the line there’s a broom riding witch who creates a mind control serum, her friends die, and shitty names. I hate bad fantasy most of all, and this is someone who read a few slightly-less-shitty fantasies, and decided they wanted to do the same.

 

Predictable, boring, unimaginative, edgy, these are the words I’d use to describe this book. In a way, I’d like to compare this to one of my favorite fantasy series, The Dresden Files. In the series, we are treated to clichés being turned on their head. The main character, Harry Dresden, is a series of clichés himself. He is a private investigator that ticks several boxes on the chart, is a wizard that is revealed to be more and more powerful as time goes on, a smart ass with a remark for every occasion, and constantly saves the world. But these are all subverted: He’s a chivalrous detective with chauvinist mindset, constantly ditching rationality to aid women, and this bites him in the ass every time, especially when he gets saved by a woman. He’s powerful, but is always getting his ass handed to him. His snide, comedic remarks only dig him deeper, and show his inability to cope in any other way. When he saves the world, it’s usually because his plan worked on the most basic level, and someone else struck the final blow.

Chaos wants to be a badass, but also like Dresden in this sense, the wisecracking world-saver/ender, but she lacks the depth and subversion to pull off being such a cliché. Dresden is developed upon heavily, and as each book passes, he becomes a more compelling character. Chaos lacks any depth, any development, and there is no subversion to the clichés. Daughter of a powerful being, destined to destroy the world, has powers that she doesn’t understand, and so on and so forth.

It doesn’t compel me, it’s a drag to read this, and somehow this is stretched out to 49 chapters for the first book. Nothing is even laughably bad enough to make me want to continue reading.

 

Boring/10

08. Fairest?

I’m on a break from fan fictions; instead I’ll be covering shitty romance. Today we’re covering Fairest? on Figment.com. According to the synopsis, it’s the story of “a princess who thinks she’s not pretty when really she’s lovely in everyone else’s eyes.” Or better put, half of the pictures on Instagram, and clichéd.

The pre-face makes me want to vomit.

“People are like stained-glass windows/They sparkle and shine when the sun is out/but when the darkness sets in/their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” But, when you shine a light on somebody you find out what’s inside. Ten seconds in and the author is already up her own ass.

Chapter One: She wakes up, and talks to her magic mirror, Fred, and it calls her ugly. The mirror, like a good friend, tells her why she’s ugly: bedhead, smudged makeup, and she’s got a nasty look on her face. She goes to fix that, and Fred turns off to save battery power. The magic mirror has batteries. How is it magical then?

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Seems to be the same as her mirror, except it actually gives compliments.

Well she comes back all dolled up, he says she’s not the fairest in the land, and she storms off before he calls her beautiful. Oh no, what a tragedy. What a narcissist, she’s not the most beautiful in the land, especially since there’s no metric for beauty.

She goes downstairs to meet her suitors and we’re introduced to her bitchy mother, and five suitors, one of which she has taken a particular fancy to, and tries to steal his cloak. She hates the rest of the men there, but this one guy, Samuel, he loves cat and gives her his medieval sweater, so he is the one. She goes about her incredibly boring life as a princess, you know the usual struggles: eating a fancy breakfast with handsome men, riding lessons, having custom dresses made for you, having lunch with a suitor, tea with her best friends, embroidering, all that atrocious stuff.

She goes to her room at night, turns on the mirror, is told she’s ugly, and she gets her cats and goes to sleep. Also this magic mirror has a power button. Again, how is it magic and not a computer?

Chapter Two: we learn this girl isn’t even sixteen yet. She’s fourteen and can’t get married until then. She has another banquet today with the suitors, and oh god this reads like every single fucking princess story there is.

It’s her day off, so she goes riding with her best friends to a secret meadow. One of her friends is already married at fourteen. This isn’t Game of Thrones, this isn’t gritty fantasy; this is romance, and this is creepy.

Is this a teen movie or a medieval romance? I can’t even tell (assuming there’s a difference.)

Chapter Three: The author recognizes the medieval power-play of marriage, as we are introduced to Konstantinos of Heldivine. I love these shitty fantasy names, they only get better when you forego vowels and throw in apostrophes. H’ldvin’e would work better. Konstantinos wants to avoid war by marrying an underage girl.

In case you haven’t predicted it, we’re about to have a love triangle. Konstantinos marrying our princess, Kayleigh, but she’s in love with Samuel so we’re going to get some hijinks!

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I imagine this being her face perpetually, it makes it easier to deal with.

Chapter Four: She and Samuel are the only sane ones left in the banquet hall, so she runs upstairs to talk to Fred. He says she’s not the fairest but is still lovely. This makes her feel better, and then Samuel comes in, and says he’ll fight for her to make sure she doesn’t marry him. Oh how romantic, let’s start a war over the fourteen year old.

Chapter Five: Konstantinos comes for breakfast, her friends want to kill him, and she’s engaged even though there wasn’t a real agreement. They go to dinner and nothing happens. She has a dream (because dreaming about your situation isn’t a cliché typical of epics) where she has to choose between the four people I really don’t care about. In fact, a horde of barbarians could come and ravage the land, Grignr could transcend his own shitty story and slaughter the court in an array of adjectives, and I wouldn’t care.

We enter the end of this season of the bachelor, and only three remain to win Kayleigh from Konstantinos.

Chapter Six:

“‘I hate love!’ SMASH! ‘I hate men!’ Another plate hit the wall and exploded into a million pieces. ‘I hate the fates that invented such a stupid thing!!!!!!’ ‘Love does not exist!’” Aw, teenage angst. Also, just throwing in onomatopoeia doesn’t make for good imagery.

Konstantinos comes into her room unannounced and gives her a cat. This is a good tip, if you’re going to marry a fourteen year old girl against her will, just give her kittens to subside her rage. In one conversation, she’s ready to marry him. Because it’s that easy when YOU’RE FORCING AN UNDERAGE GIRL TO MARRY YOU SO YOU DON’T END UP KILLING THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE IN A WAR.

She bumps into Donald on her way to her father, and the wall just got ten feet higher.

She bumps into Samuel, and he asks her on a date.

She runs into a random prince who acts for her and then leaves. How quirky.

Chapter Seven: We’re introduced to her brother, who lives in the Kingdom of Australia. Australia was never a kingdom; it was a penal colony for the British Empire, and then a commonwealth. She made up three random kingdoms, but then throws in Australia.

“What was he doing here when he was supposed to be in the faraway kingdom of Australia leading his successful business as a Kangaroo Dealer? (Don’t ask)” I was actually going to ask if you know anything about kangaroos, they’re not safe animals.

She then imagines having Twilight-esque fangirls, sitting in the Kingdom of Paris wearing t-shirts with Team Konstantinos on it.

The Frenchman in me is being sent into a rage, Paris was never a kingdom. It’s the capital of France, which was the Kingdom of France.

Also, how are there t-shirts if this involves medieval/renaissance monarchy?

“The idea was so ridiculous it knocked me out of my incoherent state,” Yes, this is all ridiculous.

And yes, this obviously was partially inspired by Twilight, because her brother is on Team Sam.

Chapter Eight: Samuel gets killed in a joust, and then a dragon comes and burns the royal court.

Nope, I wish. Samuel gets hit in the chest while jousting, and then he has a dinner picnic with her. He admits his love for her, and I wanted to vomit. He tells her all the things that a fourteen year old girl dreams of hearing, and then she has her breakdown. She belittles herself despite having people ready to wage war for her. That doesn’t happen for the ugly girls.

She admits her love for him, and then they’re ready to start a war.

Chapter Nine: The ramblings of a fourteen year old girl giving a narrative monologue. I’m getting lost in all this dialogue. They somehow make sure there’s no war. What a resolution.

Epilogue: We’re treated to her wedding. It’s not a treat, though, it’s just shit.

The spelling and grammar were mostly there, but the plot was boring, and had clichés up the ass. Everything was so predictable, and sugarcoated. The voice was very obviously a teenaged girl with a strange fantasy, and it made me very uncomfortable. Was it the worst thing I’ve ever read? No, it’s about a step above the MLPxCOD fan fiction that I read, but still absolutely atrocious. Maybe over the last few years this girl honed her potential, and started writing actual plots, but I doubt it. There were also some gems to laugh at from sheer stupidity, like the Kingdom of Paris.

Bonus points for no death threats. 5/10.

7. Just because it’s meant to be bad…

Just because it’s meant to be bad doesn’t mean it’s good, or that you just made cutting edge satire. Just because it’s a “style” doesn’t mean that it’s a good style. If something is intentionally shitty doesn’t change the fact that it’s shitty.

Satire should have you questioning if something is real or not at first, but it shouldn’t be the basis of it all. If I go and say that The Flying Spaghetti Monster is real as a joke, but I go and start performing atrocious acts in the name of it, I crossed the line from satire into reality, and saying that I did it ironically won’t change any facts of the matter.

If you’re writing style involves forgoing common syntax and grammar, then you’re writing style blows. Saying that it’s “just the style,” sounds like a shitty workshop excuse for avoiding the embarrassment.

If you’re writing is meant to be a parody, then make it obvious that it’s a parody so that it can be judged as so, but don’t try to hide behind the façade of satire and parody to excuse your shitheap.

You don’t get an award for trying; you get an award for succeeding. You shouldn’t gain recognition for your piece of satire if the satire isn’t actually good. You didn’t put in any effort aside from overused tropes and underusing grammar. If I can’t tell with certainty that you’ve made a joke, then you’ve failed at your job. You don’t deserve praise for minimal effort, make your joke obvious or don’t try at all.

6. Sonic High School Part 2

Welcome back to my second installment of: Sonic High School. I’m going to jump right in because I want to be done with this story already.

When I left off, Tails was getting cockblocked. Chapter 12 opens up with gold already.

“It was a new day, and Sonic woke up from out of his bed and scratched his balls. He could feel the rash on his balls and it was getting worse than before. ‘A sickness still ravages my balls,’ said Sonic as he wrote it in his journal that he now had back from Tails…” –Chapter 12 It’s lines like this that make it worth it for me to read.

Sonic goes to school and gets cockblocked. Maybe asking for sex right out is a bad game plan, but it’s bound to work after enough times I suppose. Oh and we’re treated to more homophobia. There’s a play going on and apparently everyone thinks it’s “gay.” Knuckles Jr. still talks, and is a “really cool baby” who can foresee the future. I know this is a fan fiction, but having an oracle is such a cheap ploy, I mean why can this little shit even tell the future?

He foresees something bad happening that night, Sonic talks to some people, yadda yadda yadda. Sonic goes home, and we get another gem.

“When Sonic got to his home Sonic’s mom walked up to him and said, “Sonic, I went to clean your room and saw what you wrote about your gay ball problems. I am worried about your balls and fear it could be a mortal illness so I made a doctor zepointmint.”

And as it turns out, it actually is fatal. Sonic’s disease will get rid of his balls and dick, and go to his brain. If he has sex with anyone they’ll get it too, and it only comes around every million years. How spooky and tense!

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Chapter 13: Shadow fucks his talking car and escapes the police.

Chapter 14: the play is revealed to be about Christmas, and I had a feeling for a while that this may be troll fiction, but around now my suspicion’s got stronger. Oh and Sonic tries to get it on in the play.

“The play eventually started, and it was just as gay as you thought it would be…Mary got a letter from an angel saying she was going to have a baby, but she did not want to have the baby at home because the King would not let babies vote, so Mary and Joseph rode bikes all the way from London to Jerusalem.”-Chapter 14 Even if it’s not a troll, this is probably a bored thirteen year old fucking around. But if this is all real, oh god.

Let’s see, a gun fight breaks out, a bomb goes off, and people die.

Chapter 15: It’s flooded with memories, Sonic’s poop, and Amy using her period as an attack against a murderer. Tails comes in and saves the day, revealing the murderer, Charmy Bee, to be a robot.

Chapter 16: Rouge and Amy get detention, Sonic becomes a babysitter, and the babies Knuckles and Knuckles Jr., who are father and son and brothers at the same time, make out.

Chapter 17: Sonic breaks into Charmy Bee’s house and is then forced to eat out the lunch lady.

“Sonic opened his mouth and chewed on the lunch lady’s vagina really hard like Pac-Man…”

Charmy is dead.

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Chapter 18: Sonic punches a crocodile’s penis until he ejaculates on the floor, then throws a baby through the semen, and into the crocodile to defeat him. The crocodile was working with Al Qaeda. Sonic kills the crocodile with his diseased balls.

Chapter 19: I don’t even know what’s happening here, but Tails gets laid. He then finds a bracelet in a vagina and Amy is cheating on Sonic, whoa. I’m so in shock right now.

Chapter 20: Amy almost dies in detention, Sonic becomes black.

Chapter 21: A fortune cookie says “You will not have any friends if you are black.” Then Sonic beats the shit out of Amy and jumps off a cliff.

Chapter 22: It’s a funeral.

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Chapter 23: Shadow fucks Tails’ girlfriend to get a chaos emerald to bring Sonic back to life.

“Shadow, I am drowning in the power of your penis. I am so in love.”

Chapter 24: It’s a minor flashback. Tails uses Sonic’s old guitar to make up a song, and I just can’t encapsulate the perfection of it.

“I’m doing a middle at God/ but God is not real and it is odd”

Knuckles Jr locks them in a garage.

Chapter 25: Sonic is brought back to life, Sonic finally has sex, and the story is finally over.

 

All in all, this was atrocious. Even if the author wasn’t serious, which I still can’t tell, this was still such a horrid piece of writing. At points, it hurt to read. It was homophobic, racist, sexist, homoerotic, had horrible spelling, a shitty plot, and odd similes. I’m never recovering from this.

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5. Sonic High School Part 1

This is going to be a long one, two parts in fact. It’s also going to be long on my mind, because this fan fiction is one of the worst things I’ve ever read. The writing is boring and repetitive, with a few gems of horridness trapped inside the shell of one of the worst fan bases to ever exist, Sonic the Hedgehog. Today I present, Sonic High School.

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One of my favorite artists, source: picturesthatigoneanddone.com

Right of the bat, we see a few issues. Namely, the writer describes every single thing the characters do, even in their dialogue.

“Sonic woke up and looked at the clock. “7:00,” it said, and Sonic screamed.

“I am late for school! I have to get to school now!” –Chapter 1 He then runs to the bus, why does Sonic, who runs at incredible speeds, need to take the bus.

The dialogue is so stiff and awkward, as I’ve come to expect. But the mixture of stiff dialogue and horrible exposition actually culminates into lines like, “‘We’re at school now,” said Trails. ‘It is time to go to class.’” In which world is this a necessary addition? No one in the real world would ever say that casually.

“‘I’m so bad,’ said Knuckles, laughing because he sat where two people could sit. Knuckles did this every day and no one bothered him, but they all knew it was against the rules of both man and God.”-Chapter 1 What? Where does God outlaw taking up two seats on the school bus?

After this nice little scene, we’re treated to Sonic’s journal being read out loud by a teacher, where we learn Sonic has problems with his balls; they’re itchy, creams make them smell bad, and he rubs his balls on stucco surfaces. Again, not a necessary addition, and no one reads journals in class beyond the fifth grade.

Thankfully this chapter blows by in the weirdest of ways, and everybody learns about Sonic’s smelly, itchy balls, so he goes home to cry.

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Got this off twitter, don’t ask me where it comes from.

The next chapter is opened up with Sonic pooping, and it’s so bad that the whole neighborhood can smell it. Yes, a whole paragraph is devoted to Sonic’s shit and how the neighborhood handles it.

Then we learn that out of nowhere it’s prom night, and Sonic forgot, but he still gets a limo to take him and his friend Tails. Here we’re treated to what seems to be casual racism.

“Tails hugged Sonic and said, ‘I am always here for u. The prom is tonight also.’” –Chapter 2 Yes, prom immediately made me forget my problems.

“‘The limo is broken,’ said the limo driver who looked like a person but darker colored. Sonic and Tails got out of the limo and asked the limo driver if they could fix it. ‘Nope the limo is broken eternally,’” -Chapter 2 This bit always makes me laugh, like a person but darker colored. This kid sounds like a little slave trader. And the limo is broken eternally, but it still somehow got to Sonic’s house.

Sonic and Tails get to the prom on their own, and it’s on Skull Island. Well, turns out Dr. Eggman set a trap, traps Tails, kidnaps Sonic’s girlfriend, Amy, and “looked like a fat immature gay.” (racist and homophobic, folks.)

“Eggman laughed and pointed at Sonic, ‘I kissed Amy and now you can never date her again because I am going to do sex to her tonight.’” -Chapter 2 Two chapters in and we’ve already hit rape.

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Find more at viraltalktime.com The guy has a collection of shitty Sonic fan art.

In the next chapter, Sonic remembers advice about haunted houses that he learned on the wall of a Walgreen’s. They escape through hedgehog magic, get ready for school the next day, and we get a nice resolution to Sonic’s itchy balls arc. It’s just resolved, don’t ask how.

Fourth chapter, Sonic decides he should focus more on school than radical adventures, because “Sonic knew he was right because its called Sonic high school and it should be more about the high school part.”

Sonic asks everyone their plans; Tails is making an invisibility hat for a science fair, Knuckles is skipping class because he’s a bad boy, and Shadow is going to kill his parents. An average day for average people. Someone’s called a fag, we get to read about a teenager in her tiny bra, and something about mom boobs.

“‘Oh,’ said Espio. ‘Well then I am gonna kiss and sex her tonight!’ Espio was like a little boy looking at his mom’s boobs for the first time.” –Chapter 4 “Hello? Freud? Yeah, we need you right now.” What the fuck, how does this seventh grade author (actually his age) think sex works?

Well, Espio and Rouge are now going to “put the sex in her” because they are “BoyFriend and GirlFriend.” Sonic and Tails get fortune cookies, and we’re treated to “The path to glory begins at the base of your friend’s penis.” Fucking what? They end up giving Espio an invisibility hat so he can make sex in. Sonic then goes home and uses Sonic Instant Messenger to ask Amy if she wants to do sex.

Espio and Rouge do the sex, and the most hilarious erotica follows.

“Espios penis approached rouge like a plan flying down at the airport but instad of being full of business men it was full of Espio’s Creamy Italian salad dressing…Then Espio used his tail to flip her over (he can do this) and put his penis into her butt. He moved his penis in circles in her butthole like he was building a golf course and digging out the back 9.” –Chapter 6

Chapter Seven is nonsense. Amy was tied up by the psychopathic Shadow, who also answered Sonic on Sonic messenger. So it wasn’t Amy that said no, it was Shadow that denied Sonic sex, so rejoice! Maybe we’ll get a Sonic sex scene, or maybe I’ll drink bleach!

Espio got Rouge full-on pregnant in one day.

“Amy was smiling for real to Rouge. ‘That’s so nice! I hope you have a great baby.’ Said Amy.

Sonic tried to be a good boy friend and said “Hope your baby is cool.” And Smiled. Espio looked more worried than everybody else.

‘So I am gonna be your baby’s dad?’ said Espio, worried and excited, both.

‘Better believe it, fag boy,’ said a voice that sounded just like Shadow’s.” – Chapter 7 I have four more chapters for this blog post, I think I’ll go braindead before I finish.

Chapter eight opens to Shadow justifying why he tied up Amy, and it’s gibberish. Then Espio wants Rouge to get “a bortion.” I wonder if it’s similar to an abortion. Tails won the science fair and is pissed that Sonic didn’t come.

“Kiss my ass, dick!” screamed Tails to Sonic and flew out of the room with his flying tails.”-Chapter 8

Oh and Rouge was about to eat “a bortion” pill, but gives birth right there. In the course of one day. The teacher then helps Rouge give birth.

“Mrs. Lesson went behind the curtain and helped pull the baby out of Rouge’s butt…” –Chapter 8

In Chapter Nine, the baby comes out looking just like Knuckles. Is this a fanfiction or a telenovela?

“Nudillos, Nudillos, el bebe es suyo!” Roja grito en Espanol.

“No, Roja, soy un Enchilada y eres un demonio, es imposible!” Nudillos gritaron.

It turns out Knuckles and Rouge had a secret relationship. Espio and Knuckles are going to fight, Sonic asks Amy for sex again, and fails.

“’Ding dong’ said Espio’s doorbell.” –Chapter 9 Why though?

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Also found on twitter @badsonicfanart

In Chapter 10, Tails is still mad with Sonic.

“‘Why are YOU here?’ Screamed Tails with the anger of a million angry birds.’

Tails stole Sonic’s journal, and then goes all emo because Sonic wanted to have sex with Amy. Knuckles and Espio fights, there’s more awkward dialogue.  Rouge talks to her baby, her baby talks back and calls the world an “evil world.” Espio wins, Knuckles kisses him, and Knuckles climbs into Rouge, coming out of her butt as a little Espio baby.

“When knuckles kissed him, he did I extra hard, sometimes with his eyes shut and sometimes looking into Espio’s dep yellow eyes that looked like a circus of loving men. Their tongues met in the middle of their moths like two chicken cutlets that were acting like cats that loved each other. When Espio was watching fighting videos last night, he was not expecting he was going to have to do kissing, too. But he liked it.”-Chapter 10 for such a homophobic author, why is this beyond homoerotic?

“Knuckles glided on the wind forward through the crowd of people in front of him and into Rouge’s mouth, where he disappeared into. It was a good thing Rouge’s baby had premonitions and told her to lie down, as then Knuckles did a U-turn in Rouge’s sex-filled body and came out of her butt as a newborn baby that looked like Espio. This was all science.”

Paired with the song “Lacrimosa,” the end of this chapter is far more epic.

In Chapter 11, they tell Knuckle’s mom about Knuckles and Knuckles Jr. (Knuckles being Espio’s baby and Knuckles Jr. being Knuckles’ baby.) Then Tails and Cream almost get it on.

“‘Aww man,’ said Tails. Tails put his scrotum away and was sad about not getting to ejaculate his dick.” –Chapter 11 also the only thing I found redeemable in the stream of consciousness and gibberish.

 

I’m going to give my brain some time to rest.

4. Call of Pony: Equestrian Warfare

Poe’s law is the state in which you can’t tell the difference between a parody/satire from an actual extremist view without a clear indicator. It came into fruition on a creationist forum, where a commenter made an absurd view, but ended with a winky face, to which another commenter pointed out how it was a good indicator that the original commenter wasn’t serious. ,0What I am reading today lacks any indicator, I am left to wonder “do any bronies (male fans of My Little Pony) write fan fiction crossovers with Call of Duty?”

The answer seems to be yes, but at the same time, the gold mine of “Call of Pony: Equestrian Warfare” just seems too good to be true. I also wish it weren’t a true piece of fan fiction, so I would have one less reason to hate the internet, yet all signs point to “this real or an incredibly dedicated internet troll,” either are cringe worthy.

“Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity, To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, Would you capture it or just let it slip?” -Eminem. Desert Storm was given one shot. He made decisions. He made bodies. He made scars and secrets, all because he was given a voice. Gideon was saved from evil. Logan was rescued from Hell. Ghost was revived. They were given a choice- The description of this mess lets me know I made a terrible decision.

We start of the fan fiction with one of the worst poems/songs I’ve ever seen, Call of Duty fan fiction. Now how someone can write a poem about a video game where you shoot things senseless is beyond me, yet our author seems to have done it.

The first glaring problem with this story is it suffers from a common fan fiction issue, moving points of view. You don’t have to focus on one character for the entirety of the story, but you also don’t need to make it glaringly obvious with “(Insert shitty name’s) POV,” it’s always a bad sign, especially since this is all in first person.

Three of four main characters turn out to be Call of Duty protagonists, which I didn’t know on my first read through. This makes more sense, but is still saddening.

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Yeah, this is real for whatever reason. There’s even MLP x Fargo fan art, which makes me sad, I love Fargo and the Coen Brothers. This is by thecomoosenist.deviantart.com

 

Chapter 1: Holy hell, each character gets between one to three paragraphs, and there is no plot line whatsoever. The first character, Gideon, is pulled out of a helicopter by a zombie, then has his “exo” arm ripped out. He believes he’s bitten, and end scene. Also, the writer cannot spell penitentiary, but that’s a nitpick.

The next character is a pony, Desert Storm (are you kidding me) describes the “call of duty” and I want to vomit.

“Do you hear it calling? Maybe. Maybe not. I won’t knock you for it if you don’t. Not all the lovely pony souls out there are built for war. Hay, not even mine was at the start.” –Chapter 1. Spare me, please.

The next character, Ghost, is our local edgy teenager, and he dies. Sadly he comes back, but I’ll relish it for now.

The final character is Logan, who wakes up in an unnamed Latin American Jungle with a syringe in him, and he’s imprisoned by someone named Rorke, whom I’m sure if I were a twelve year old CoD player, then I’d know who that is.

The next chapter is in the perspective of an established character, but isn’t the worst writing I’ve seen in fan fiction, the grammar and spelling is there for the most part, but the quality is brought down by ponies talking about the zombie apocalypse. Reading two ponies talk about humans fills me with existential dread. There is one major plot hole here (ignoring talking ponies having visions,) the author seems to imply that war doesn’t occur in Ponyland, so how do they know the word for war?

Chapter three shows us how Ghost dies, and then it goes back to a pony princess, who brings a human to another pony, and what am I reading? Normally by now I’d have found some hilariously bad quotes, but this is such a flat and dry read, that I’d be hard pressed to find them.

Chapter four rolls around, nothing of importance happens; zombies, barricading, and probably a pony reaching through dimensions to come to a soldier bitten by a zombie; just an average day in the life.

Chapter five opens with a quote from Carl Jung. Yes, from Carl Jung. These quotes at the beginning of the chapters all seem out of place, but that’s like putting Freud in a Flintstones Christmas special. Seriously, Jung was a psychoanalyst but what did he do to deserve this treatment. Oh yeah, and the chapter is a mess of POV’s. Logan, who is dying, is saved by Pony Princess Luna through pony magic. Each word I type here hurts me. Logan is also tortured by the Rorke fellow, but a pony sort of saves him, or something like that.

Chapter six is only an author’s note, and it’s pretty heavy. The kid was told to kill himself, and I mean My Little Pony and Call of Duty is a bad mixture, but let’s have some tact. Internet is a rough place. Attack the work, not the artist.

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Why are these real? @ broniesaustralia.com.au

Unlike other things I have read, this fan fiction is entirely mediocre. The author might have some talent somewhere in him, and seems to have a grasp on the English language (for the most part,) which seems to be an increasingly rare talent, yet the story is still clumsy, a smorgasbord of ideas thrown together in an incredibly odd manner. The story matter isn’t the author’s intellectual property, the characters mostly aren’t his, a steady plot-line is heavily needed, and I certainly don’t like or appreciate what he’s a fan of, yet all of this could have been much worse. All I can hope for is for the author to drop fan fiction and consider honing his skills in creative fiction, because there is room for redemption here, as bad as ponies and CoD are.

3. Eye of Argon

For you folks 21 and over (as I’m probably legally required to say), I’ve got a drinking game for you. The first step is picking the hardest liquor you can handle; the next step is finding an online copy of The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis. Once you have both of these, take a shot for every typo, take two shots if there’s more than one adjective per noun in the sentences, and take three shots for every run on sentence you see. You’ll probably die before the first chapter ends, but at least you didn’t suffer reading this story sober.

The year was 1970, the golden age of Science Fiction was coming to a close as a new era was coming along, future iconic superheroes were created a mere few years before, and fantasy was still reigning for the last few decades. Sword-and-sandal was becoming increasingly more popular, but Dungeons & Dragons wasn’t around yet to contain the shitty adventure stories of basement dwelling nerds. Jim Theis was one of these nerds, who desperately needed to be a dungeon master rather than a writer. He created a heroic fantasy story following a barbarian named Conan Grignr. (How would you even pronounce this, Greeg-nir, Gri-nyir, Grigunur? Who cares?)

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Totally not who Grignr is supposed to be.

Within the first few lines, you’re dropped into absolutely decrepit overwritten pretentiously horrible adjective hell. Also, it seems like Jim Theis has a rare disease that prevents him from using too many commas, or else he’ll die.

Don’t let me be misunderstood, I love sci-fi and fantasy, my bookshelf hardly has realistic fiction on there, I’ve tried playing D&D (but my friends weren’t nerdy enough), and half of my own writing is fantasy. But this writing just evokes the image of your stereotypical nerd: thick rimmed glasses held together by tape, a button up shirt with a pocket protector, slacks being worn way too high up, and a BMI that’s too high or too low.

Going off the topic of the writer, and on to the writing itself. Besides being jam-packed with adjectives, and being horribly misspelled, the dialogue is terribly awkward.

“‘Prepare to embrace your creators in the stygian haunts of hell, barbarian,’ gasped the first soldier.”-Chapter 1. Because in the midst of battle, whilst watching my friends die to a ginger giant with a scimitar, the first thing I want to do is elaborate my insults. A simple “go to hell” would work.

“Grignr’s emerald green orbs glared lustfully at the wallowing soldier struggling before his chestnut swirled mount.” Lustfully? He glared lustfully? Damn, Grignr, you’re kinky.

The engrossed titan ignored the queries of the inquisitive female, pulling her towards him and crushing her sagging nipples to his yearning chest. Without struggle she gave in, winding her soft arms around the harshly bronzedhide of Grignr corded shoulder blades, as his calloused hands caressed her firm protruding busts.

“You make love well wench,” Admitted Grignr as he reached for the vessel of potent wine his charge had been quaffing. –Chapter 2 What the fuck, sagging nipples. How does that even happen, this girl must have finger-like nipples, yet her breasts are firm, this doesn’t compute. You start the chapter and you’re thrown into atrocious erotica.

“Your sirenity, resplendent in noble grandeur, we have brought this yokel before you (the soldier gestured toward Grignr) for the redress or your all knowing wisdon in judgement regarding his fate.” Woo, typos and the wrong way to write in an action.

The issues with this story are glaringly obvious; a lack of proofreading, it looks like a thesaurus vomited adjectives on the paper, the writer has no concept of how people speak (even in a fantasy world that uses Shakespearean English, conversation wouldn’t be that stiff,) these names aren’t even pronounceable,

I guess I should gloss over the plot: I’m not quite sure, reading through it, all I’m met with is the equivalent of the writer ejaculating on paper.

The story opens to Grignr throwing taunts and killing people, we’re never told why he’s fighting them, where he comes from, or just about any substance. After this battle he rolls into town, where he gets caught by soldiers while trying to get it on with a saggy-nippled strumpet (there’s no actual sex in this scene, yet there’s still such a rape vibe, similar to Connery’s Bond). He contemplates rebelling against his captors, but he complies and goes to a fat nobleman, where he is ordered to be killed for reasons, but is instead thrown in prison and assigned to slave labor for the rest of his life.

He is knocked out, then wakes up to a whole chapter devoted to the torture porn of him being attacked by a giant rat. Then he meditates and comes up with a plan to escape. The next chapter opens up with an even heavier rape vibe, and it makes me wonder many things about the author. At this point, I get utterly lost in the story; the plot-line is lost, just flat out lost. It’s so unreadable due to the mass amount of misspelled, misused words. Grignr is called a slut and taken out of the hole, and the plot is lost again.

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Grignr by Thomas Telford (@goldenlorry on Twitter)

All in all, this was painful. Not because of how horribly written it is, but because of how underwhelming it is. The writer took a pile of shit, and tried to make the Tower of Babel, but failed, all that was left was a small pile of shit with a name.

Fantasy is a hit or miss genre, you either indulge in clichés or shitty writing, or you succeed and make a beautiful piece of work. This piece was so far beyond a miss, it’s like the author skipped the baseball game to stay at home and read his Conan the Barbarian comics.

2. On Fan Service

As a writer, your aim is to please the audience with your work, but there is a point where your integrity and the integrity of your work is at stake when you try too hard to please. This point is called “fan service,” and I’m asking kindly, don’t fucking do it. 

At no point should you ruin your work yo do what you think will appeal to the masses. The reason I say this is because your work comes out like shit when you do it. You end up driving away your fans by dropping the quality of your work.

A good example of this is Supernatural, which suffers seasonal rot and very uncomfortable fan servicing. The first five seasons were fine, no major drawbacks, but when the TV execs decided they wanted to milk the cow and beat a dead horse at once, they started to give in to weird internet dwellers, and provide them with more homoerotic/incestuous sexual tension between the show’s main characters.

Romantic fan service is a crime, if character’s aren’t written with a natural chemistry, but in the case of fan service, you get some schmucks on the internet decide who they want “shipped,” their only qualifications being “I have a Tumblr.”

Fan service can also go on beyond altering your existing story, it can also be creating something entirely based off of what someone else wants. Executives love doing this, finding demographics to appeal to, consulting polls, charts, and other marketing bullshit, then they hire a writer desperate for coin, a director that wants their name out there, and some C-list actors. They then proceed to shit out the same retired, old formulas for movies and TV, and we get the current sad state of Hollywood, and I have to repeatedly tell my parents that there isn’t actually anythung good coming out, yet they continuously refuse to believe me.

The Young Adult genre is usually walking fan service, the writers make bland protagonists with no real character development, and a million love interests. The fan service here is making a character that the readers could easily replace with themselves.

My point is: Don’t be an idiot, don’t give in to idiots, choose what’s best for your own characters, and be a writer, an artist, not a businessman.

This was a public service announcement because I had nothing else to write about at the moment.