52. My Monster Part 2 – I Don’t Even Have a “Witty” Title, it just Sucks

I hope anyone who reads this appreciates what I do, because this is actually physically painful to read. I have better things to do, like an essay on a book I haven’t read yet, but no, I’m sitting here reading shitty Wattpad stories. 51 chapters. My priorities are definitely straight.

So the tense is present tense, even though this person is telling a story, and that really annoys me. You’re not playing Dungeons and Dragons, you’re supposed to be telling something that happened to the characters. That’s one of my many pet peeves with this story.

The plot: This girl is one of the world’s edgiest and most cynical people (she hates sweets,) and this guy that she hates vows to steal her love by Christmas. Now of course, just to be contrarian, the author makes this douche character physically perfect, and his only flaw is that he’s a manipulative asshole, because we’re supposed to avoid clichés. But she’s not your average good girl! She can manipulate him too! Ignore that girls always have the upper hand when a guy is trying to win them over because that’s how the dynamic works. And this girl is Jewish, because apparently:

  • This sorry sack of shit needs to be part of the tribe. I’m so proud.
  • She wants to be a doctor.
  • You’re not truly cynical until you’ve been a Jew.
  • The writer is doing a self-insert. Seriously, her name is Einat Segal. I don’t need my Jew-dar on to know one of my kind.

Back to the story, every attractive person in this story has something wrong with them. Strange how some people view the world, only the attractive have a fatal flaw to them, instead of every person.

I’m a cynical “misanthrope” that has a problem with everything (as this blog evidences,) but even this character makes me want to vomit, then go cuddle some puppies. Everything is a complaint, everything is bad, everyone is bad. Fucking kill me.

The writer also acts like no one likes ginger girls, which isn’t true. No one likes ginger guys, but ginger girls, well that’s a whole different story.

“And then there’s the accent. Whether British, South African or Australian, I can’t tell,” Have you even heard what a South African sounds like? It sounds nothing like the other two. There’s a shit ton of influence on the South African accent besides the British, like the Dutch (Afrikaans), and oh I don’t know, the local Africans themselves. Idiot.

 

It’s time for an anecdote, children. My mom loved Twilight. Read all the books, watched all the movies, and as a wee lad, she made me watch them with her. I never enjoyed any of them, and not because the characters were bad. I was a kid, I didn’t know what character development was for the life of me. But do you know why I hated them? Because the plot was always boring. No redeeming qualities, even to an elementary schooler. It was dry conversation after dry conversation, drama that didn’t work, and nothing actually funny or interesting that would invest me in it, make me suspend disbelief.

This story suffers from the same problem, it’s dry conversation after dry scene after dry exposition, and when something “good” is supposed to happen, you want to vomit from how clichéd and boring it is. I’m literally getting Twilight flashbacks from this. So what else do you want to hear? The Australian is a monster, Shawn pulls some dirty stuff, and this all just goes even further downhill. Because it’s actually possible.

 

I’m saddened that this pathetic shit gets popular, and I’ve never been one to believe in the appeal of popularity. It’s boring, it’s clichéd, and I felt my brain trying to crawl out of skull from how unlikeable this is. That’s all I’ve got to say. Fuck this, I’m going to enjoy my weekend.

51. My Monster Part 1 – Why are People still Copying Twilight?

Well, I took a week off from writing blog posts, and have spent a good few hours playing Fallout, so I guess I’m refreshed enough from the mental torture I put myself through, meaning I can tackle another fifty chapter garbage-fire from everyone’s favorite website, Wattpad. This wll be another double post, the first summarizing, while the other goes in detail on the story and its flaws.

I knew what I had to do when I saw #dragons was a popular search, and so I found another teen fiction called My Monster. I was filled with rage damn near immediately when I saw how many chapters this shit had. And the anger was directed at me, because two fucking years later, I still haven’t gotten over a couple thousand words in a novel I’m trying to write, but these fuckheads can go pound out 50 chapters and call it a day.

We get the gist of it all in the introduction, another unpopular girl in high school suddenly gets attention from the class heartthrob (and she’s a virgin, because we can’t let that concept die,) the popular girl hates her for it, and then a guy from Australia comes to her school, and because he’s Australian, he’s automatically hot. It’s never the bogan that shows up in a story, because no one wants to fuck white trash, just like we never see chavs when the English are represented. (I’m thankful for this actually.)

You, dear reader, may also have noticed that this sounds a lot like the summary to Twilight as well. Well, it’s not like Twilight was very original to begin with.

Our main character, Sophie Green, is “so antisocial that she might be a sociopath. Her mission in life is to survive high school without murdering someone.” And every chapter but one is titled “I Hate ___.” She’s an edgy little know-it-all, with a catchphrase. “Whatever.” Whatever is her goddamned catchphrase. You edgy, Daria wannabe.

There’s a rose analogy in the first chapter, that’s how you know it’s clichéd. Everyone makes the rose and thorn analogy, even the fucking bible does it.

Everything is delivered without exposition, which always annoys me about shit writing. Show don’t tell is the most basic rule, but we already get her dad’s medical history in the first few paragraphs. So I knew it would be a wild ride in this story. And by wild I mean clichéd and boring.

 

I wonder if I’ll get trauma from these stories.

50. Memes and Funniness

Internet memes have become pervasive. You can’t go a few minutes on there without running into a meme. What you’re doing is basically walking into school/work/a party/wherever tickles your fancy, and seeing a bunch of people circlejerk over some inside joke. Then you ask what it is, and pretend to laugh if they decide to tell you. You want to fit in, right? So you keep pretending to laugh, until you’re actually laughing. Now you’ve got Stockholm syndrome to a joke that you weren’t there to understand at first. Then the joke dies, and you rinse and repeat.

I fancy myself a comedian to an extent, or at least someone who considers himself funny. I put effort into making my work funny, even if I don’t write individual jokes for the most part. It comes off as sort of an insult to see a joke get stolen and passed around like the neighborhood whore lady of the night. Someone did something to inspire the joke, or maybe they wrote a joke and now it’s become a reference that’s being run into the ground. Seriously, visit the Rick and Morty and South Park subreddits; they take comedic genius and make anyone who frequents it hate the joke they originally loved, because these fuckers think they’re oh-so-hilarious reusing a joke they didn’t make. I guess no one ever taught them a joke is funny once or twice, but never more than that.

Let me get on with this though, so I don’ stagnate. I’ve collected some points about memes.

Like I said earlier, it’s an inside joke. Everyone knows how it feels to hang out with people that have an inside joke, and having to constantly hear it, even though they weren’t there for it, and don’t get the reference. It’s not funny to you because you don’t know the context, you missed the original setup or reference. You’re just hearing a “punchline” get run into the ground.

Again, like I said earlier, it’s unoriginal. You didn’t make this joke, you’re not the inventor of it, yet somehow you feel as if you’ve got a claim to it. There’s an alternative name for meme makers, joke thieves. People get pissed when a standup comedian steals a joke, so why is it that your Average Joe can take a joke they didn’t make, and get so much internet attention? Not everyone is funny, so if you can’t make a joke that appeals to the masses, stick to making inside jokes with your friends. No one actually cares about your piece of crap.

I already mentioned that I feel slightly insulted, but I have to drive home how similar I find this to Wattpad. Someone comes in with a uninteresting and unoriginal piece of crap, that ends up getting more attention than it deserves, while people that put in effort to their work get shafted.

References don’t make a joke. Let’s get that out of the way. References were probably a joke at first, well more like they were a punchline at first. A joke is two parts, in case you couldn’t tell already. They’re a setup and a punchline. You have to set up the ground for your punchline, or else the punchline has no effect. You won’t be funny without. So do you see what happens when you reference a punchline? Effectively, you take a runner, cut off his legs, and then tell him to go win a race.

Yeah, I get it, everyone wants to be funny. Everyone wants to make other people laugh, but with memes, you don’t have a lasting effect. You have no substance. From this day on, I protest memes. Any I have saved on my phone are going to be trashed, and I will hold my stance. Let’s see if I come out a hypocrite.

 

Disclaimer: Not every meme is like this. Polandball is a meme that requires people to make comics with a proper joke structure. The subreddit has moderators that keep the community healthy and standardized. Other memes know they’re nothing but references, and embrace this. At least you can respect them for being shit. Finally, circlejerks are just meant to be parodies. Again, at least they embrace being shit.

49. #Vault7 – A Very Shitty Story Arc

Alright, who’s the asshole that’s writing this bullshit? Seriously, motherfucker, you got so lazy this season. It’s like you’ve been trying to outdo yourself after World War 2, and the Cold War was a good story arc, but you’re trying to set up a sequel to it and it’s just not working out well. You’ve run out of ideas, I mean come on, more Islamic terrorist groups, the Russians again, and two episodes of the U.S. government spying on citizens? You’re just rehashing your bullshit over and over again. Come on buddy, I know you can do better than that.

What’s that? We’re not in a novel? No, no, that can’t be. The CIA is trying to do “meme warfare,” and hacking cars and trucks? Come on, this writer is just trying to rip off a James Bond movie that doesn’t exist. Or more like Austin Powers. You can’t just go and change the genre out of nowhere, but after the last election, you’re trying to mix science fiction, spy fiction, and comedy! It makes no sense anymore.

Is there some kind of deadline that you need to meet? You used to make such quality work, the Roman arc is one of my favorites! But the introduction of memes was already a bad idea, and you foreshadowed way too hard with that Yuri Bezmenov character. The internet was also a very bad idea, it just doesn’t make any literary sense. Why would people be such pieces of shit to each other on there, when their moral system is supposed to be the complete opposite?

The point is, you’ve gotten lazy, Mister/Miss/Missus/Doctor Author, this season of politics is getting too out of hand. Come on, you really expect me to believe in a CIA deep state that’s monitoring the whole world? You’re fucking crazy.

48. Winx Club- Who Actually Watched it?

Winx Club, anyone remember that? That shitty show about fairies? Well I found out it has a decent amount of stories on fanfiction.net, 5,500 of them, which actually baffled me. I had forgotten that show existed, and ended up Googling it. It ran for 7 seasons, is Italian, and ran until two-thousand-fucking-fifteen. Now don’t go asking me about what type of animation it is, I’m putting my money on Adobe Flash, but I’m a writer, not an animator.

So yeah, the show is crappy, but hey, I’m not talking about the show itself, I’m not about to sit in public and watch a kid’s show about fairies. It’s bad enough that it’s in my search history now.

“What We Do” is a Winx Club fan fiction with eighteen chapters and counting, and 111 followers, so I guess that’s big for a fan fiction. I still haven’t figured out this shitty website. Immediately we’re thrown into the action, someone was supposed to die but she let him live. Who the fuck is she? Even when I got a name, I still had no clue, and I wasn’t  going to go and Google even more of that show to find out. Apparently it’s this fairy named Bloom who was supposed to kill this possessed guy named Baltor, but her fairy dust got rid of the demon in him. Is fairy dust anything like angel dust? Anyway, they eventually get shipped.

Yeah I’m not even going to read this whole thing, I think we already know how this is going to go, and lately I have actually been valuing what little sanity I have left. I just want to take a minute to think about this. This show was never very popular here, I think it was on Nickelodeon for a bit, but it ran longer than I’d expected, and there are fanfictions being published or updated within hours or days of me writing this. Who cared about this show enough to make it so popular on this shitshow of a website? I swear to god, the deeper I go into the rabbit hole, the less I learn about people.

47. Roses and Fire – Batman Fanfiction because I Hate Myself

I want it to be known the sad extents that I go to for this blog. In my phone browser, fanfiction.net is one of the most popular pages, and Wattpad would be to if I hadn’t deleted it from my queries.

Ah fanfiction.net, the start of many adolescent writers, and the end of others. It’s a shithole, an ever growing shithole, and the comic category is considerably large. Homestuck is the largest subcategory, with 17,000 stories, and in a close second is Batman, with nearly 16,000 stories. This doesn’t surprise me; an edgy and brooding superhero attracts edgy and brooding teenagers. But guess who edgy teenagers love even more than Batman. She’s another Batman character, plenty of nerds jack it to her, she sucks clown dick; c’mon you know who it is: Poison Ivy! Cat Woman! Batgirl! This isn’t sexual fan art, it’s Harley Quinn!

Yes, everyone’s favorite quirky character from Suicide Squad (because that shitheap only grew the horrible fascination with the Joker and Harley’s relationship) is the topic of our fanfiction today. Now surprisingly, it’s not someone romanticizing that which should never be romanticized, it’s a story of Harley leaving the abuse. This shows that our writer has common sense, but what’s even more surprising than that is our writer has potential. The grammar is there, and she knows that descriptive writing exists. Is she a good writer though? Eh, not really. It’s untapped potential being directed into the wrong outlet, she could be a good writer, but she’s not using her skills properly. Fanfiction doesn’t give prospective writers room to grow, because creating your own characters and settings is such an important part to growing as a writer. You can’t borrow someone else’s ideas and expect to get better at world building.

She could improve, but not if she continues down the path of fanfiction.

The story itself? What the fuck do you expect? I said she had potential, I didn’t say she was good at making a story. It’s boring, she leaves, Batman takes her to Arkham, gets her out, her old colleagues try to kill her, Batman takes her in, and of course, of course, she falls in love with him. He gets kidnapped, she goes to rescue him. He falls for her too. Painfully boring.

Here’s my two cents, kid, quit the fanfiction game, work on writing your own shit, and see where you end up. But as is, you won’t go anywhere, and don’t expect to when you don’t make your own goddamned characters.

46. The Girl He Never Noticed – Part 2 This Sucked

So what can be said about The Girl He Never Noticed? Quite a bit actually, and none of it is good. A few things are missing, you know, nothing important; just exposition, an understanding of people, realistic dialogue, descriptive writing, all that useless shit.

Now, one thing I will give it is that it doesn’t hurt to read because the words are misspelled. It hurts to read because some parts are painfully boring, while the others are laughably bad. The piece is beyond amateur.

Facts are thrown at us like stones at a sinner, and it all becomes far too much to process at once. In the first chapter alone, we learn about each character in far too much detail, and the lack of exposition feels like a punch in the gut. Why do I need to know about the coffee shop owners sleeping habits? The employees being lovers and bullies to the main character? The main character’s dead father? How come I don’t know about why the girl wears a wig, if everything else is going to be told to me? Was this supposed to be that cliché where they just take the glasses off of her, and fix her hair, and then she’s suddenly beautiful, à la Not another Teen Movie? Just to make it even better, she also loves another guy in parts of the story, the first love, the really beautiful guy that didn’t notice her. I hate this shit.

This writer obviously has no clue how exposition works, or how people act. Writing as another gender is an incredibly hard thing for a writer to do, because we don’t know how they act as well as we know how our gender acts. Don’t be discouraged from trying, but don’t publish the piece online if you fail. And this girl failed horribly. Eros, a horrible name for your sexy male character, and unoriginal, she should’ve just called him Cupid McLovesalot, reads like a girl trying to act like a boy. His dialogue, and his narration don’t read like a playboy. And in his part as well, we’re told his and his friend’s whole life story, instead of having it eased on us throughout the story.

We get a flashback from him where the writer also shows that she doesn’t know how fighting works. In fact, she also doesn’t know how parties work.

“I drank too much alcohol last night.” Sounds like a robot. “I drank too much last night,” “I got shitfaced last night,” “I got wasted last night,” and more, that’s what someone would say.

“I was shocked how she often brought me to the edge of ecstasy. She knew how to turn a man on, the pleasure points that drove a man crazy.” Okay, no, that’s not how any human speaks, let alone any guy. The edge of ecstasy? What the fuck? Pleasure points? Are you a fucking robot?

“He showed me how to kick, punch and practice self-defense.” Ah yes, I love going to the gymnasium facility and practicing my self-defense.

“He saw me getting so drunk in the bar with my friends, tried a drug, did meaningless sex with someone, going to strip clubs, etc.” Goddamn devil, making Eros try a drug and do meaningless sex.

These all came from the same chapter, which should be an indication of the quality of the rest of the story.

So the question is, does it get better? The first few chapters are always a rough start, right (unless they’re edited like they should be)? No, we keep getting the Jade’s/Eros’s POV at the start of every chapter, which is highly amateurish. They meet by literally bumping into each other. And everything gets thrown at us so quickly. Eros wants to hire her. The café owner died from a pill overdose. We learn that woman’s son is a sex offender that was never convicted, basically. It just doesn’t get better. Joseph comes back, he gets married. She agrees to “marry” Eros to impress some businessmen, but wants her own room. They go on a date, and he thought she was someone else BECAUSE SHE TOOK OF HER GLASSES AND HER WIG. I CALLED IT. And this was after two years of working with him.

So no, this story does not get better. You all know how it ends; she gets married to Eros, for real this time. They had a baby. The final chapter is prefaced with a horrible factoid.

“Do you know why the marriage ring is placed at the fourth finger from the thumb of your left hand? Because it’s the only finger that has a vein which is directly connected to our heart.” Do you really not know how veins work? Veins have blood. Our heart pumps blood. Veins go to the heart. This is so dumb. All our fingers have veins that go to the heart, are you actually retarded?

And it ends with a saccharine ending that made me cringe visibly. People asked if I was alright.

Fuck this boring ass story. Fuck this cringy ass story. Fuck this. Fuck everything.

45. The Girl He Never Noticed – Part 1 of my self-flagellation.

I’ve come to accept the fact that I hate myself, which is why I went back to Wattpad this week. It’s also why my liver won’t see forty. (I should move to Europe so I could “joke” about getting drunk and not have people worry about the law.) Because I hate myself, I am going to force myself through this near-50 chapter story on Wattpad, and dedicate these next two blogs to this. The first post is going to go over the general gist of the story and take a shit on it, while I’ll go more in depth with the next one.

The Girl He Never Noticed screams “generic” and “clichéd” right away, which signifies why it’s so successful on Wattpad. Seriously, the first chapter has 5.2 million views. How come a shitty story on Wattpad gets so many views, but my shitty blog doesn’t? Life ain’t fair.

You can also already tell from the first chapter that this is going to be switching POV’s like a smack addict switches veins, and that this will be a masterpiece. Seriously, it’s prefaced with CHAPTER ONE (unedited).

Our characters are Jade, the “plain” girl, who wears a black wig and black rimmed glasses, braces, and old fashioned clothing. “Everyone thought she was a weirdo, a nerd or a girl resurrected from the past.” Yeah, get in fucking line, where’s my story? I’m eighteen going on eighty here.

Then we have Eros Petrakis, a rich businessman with a name about as subtle as an undercover cop asking for weed. “They thought his first name was another four-letter word of EVIL. He never smiled; he never said ‘please’ and never apologized for his mistakes.” I also heard he pushes fat people down the stairs, steals kids’ candy, and insults grannies. He’s a bad dude.

Be inspired in their story. Laugh, Cry, Giggle, and Feel in Love with them. Sweetheart, I’d be a very different person if I felt love.

Yeah, this girl’s grammar isn’t the best, like not even close, but it’s not My Immortal levels bad. It’s vaguely reminiscent of someone’s who’s learned a language, but hasn’t quite mastered it (or as I like to call it, received a public school education.) You’ll see her slip up because THIS SHIT IS UNEDITED. AND IT STILL HAS 5.2 MILLION VIEWS.

The dialogue is already choppy as all hell, and we get inane facts simply thrown at us, which means I’m going to randomly burst out laughing as I read this. That’s my favorite kind of bad story.

Before I continue shitting on the author, let me say, I at least give her some credit for not writing fan fiction, even if this is one of the most generic shitheaps I’ll read. With that said, this is still a shitheap.

Why does Jade wear a wig? Is this the trendy thing to do now? Is she an Orthodox Jew? She’s wearing a flowered dress from her grandma, so I’m starting to think she is an Orthodox Jew. Probably from Crown Heights too.

Well, that’s all I can really say about this apparent piece of crap before I attempt to finish it, so it’s time to rant a bit.

I get that it’s a fantasy, have the plain girl be noticed by the amazing, handsome, rich bad-boy/playboy whom they tame, and he sees their hidden inner beauty, and it’s one of the worst tropes. The plain girl has nothing special about her at all. She’s just an extension of the author and the author’s desires, and it’s plain to see each time you read it.

As for the playboy in that case, why on earth would he suddenly decide “I’ve had enough of this high rolling and these beautiful women; what I need is some random girl I met on the street that looks like my grandma.”? A supermodel isn’t going to randomly think “You know, I get all these athletes and musicians, but what I need is some short, sarcastic Jew that writes blogs about fan fiction,” and then come fall in my lap. That’s just not how the world works. I at least need money for that to happen.

And yeah, yeah, it’s a story, it’s not meant to be realistic, but I can’t suspend disbelief in realistic fiction. You can’t make a war story, and write about a one man army, unless it’s also fantasy. This is not speculative fiction, you have to know how real humans act, think, and talk. Stop giving writing an easy pass, we need rigor in our critique, or else you get modern art.