08. Fairest?

I’m on a break from fan fictions; instead I’ll be covering shitty romance. Today we’re covering Fairest? on Figment.com. According to the synopsis, it’s the story of “a princess who thinks she’s not pretty when really she’s lovely in everyone else’s eyes.” Or better put, half of the pictures on Instagram, and clichéd.

The pre-face makes me want to vomit.

“People are like stained-glass windows/They sparkle and shine when the sun is out/but when the darkness sets in/their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” But, when you shine a light on somebody you find out what’s inside. Ten seconds in and the author is already up her own ass.

Chapter One: She wakes up, and talks to her magic mirror, Fred, and it calls her ugly. The mirror, like a good friend, tells her why she’s ugly: bedhead, smudged makeup, and she’s got a nasty look on her face. She goes to fix that, and Fred turns off to save battery power. The magic mirror has batteries. How is it magical then?

magic-mirror

Seems to be the same as her mirror, except it actually gives compliments.

Well she comes back all dolled up, he says she’s not the fairest in the land, and she storms off before he calls her beautiful. Oh no, what a tragedy. What a narcissist, she’s not the most beautiful in the land, especially since there’s no metric for beauty.

She goes downstairs to meet her suitors and we’re introduced to her bitchy mother, and five suitors, one of which she has taken a particular fancy to, and tries to steal his cloak. She hates the rest of the men there, but this one guy, Samuel, he loves cat and gives her his medieval sweater, so he is the one. She goes about her incredibly boring life as a princess, you know the usual struggles: eating a fancy breakfast with handsome men, riding lessons, having custom dresses made for you, having lunch with a suitor, tea with her best friends, embroidering, all that atrocious stuff.

She goes to her room at night, turns on the mirror, is told she’s ugly, and she gets her cats and goes to sleep. Also this magic mirror has a power button. Again, how is it magic and not a computer?

Chapter Two: we learn this girl isn’t even sixteen yet. She’s fourteen and can’t get married until then. She has another banquet today with the suitors, and oh god this reads like every single fucking princess story there is.

It’s her day off, so she goes riding with her best friends to a secret meadow. One of her friends is already married at fourteen. This isn’t Game of Thrones, this isn’t gritty fantasy; this is romance, and this is creepy.

Is this a teen movie or a medieval romance? I can’t even tell (assuming there’s a difference.)

Chapter Three: The author recognizes the medieval power-play of marriage, as we are introduced to Konstantinos of Heldivine. I love these shitty fantasy names, they only get better when you forego vowels and throw in apostrophes. H’ldvin’e would work better. Konstantinos wants to avoid war by marrying an underage girl.

In case you haven’t predicted it, we’re about to have a love triangle. Konstantinos marrying our princess, Kayleigh, but she’s in love with Samuel so we’re going to get some hijinks!

how-i-imagine-her

I imagine this being her face perpetually, it makes it easier to deal with.

Chapter Four: She and Samuel are the only sane ones left in the banquet hall, so she runs upstairs to talk to Fred. He says she’s not the fairest but is still lovely. This makes her feel better, and then Samuel comes in, and says he’ll fight for her to make sure she doesn’t marry him. Oh how romantic, let’s start a war over the fourteen year old.

Chapter Five: Konstantinos comes for breakfast, her friends want to kill him, and she’s engaged even though there wasn’t a real agreement. They go to dinner and nothing happens. She has a dream (because dreaming about your situation isn’t a cliché typical of epics) where she has to choose between the four people I really don’t care about. In fact, a horde of barbarians could come and ravage the land, Grignr could transcend his own shitty story and slaughter the court in an array of adjectives, and I wouldn’t care.

We enter the end of this season of the bachelor, and only three remain to win Kayleigh from Konstantinos.

Chapter Six:

“‘I hate love!’ SMASH! ‘I hate men!’ Another plate hit the wall and exploded into a million pieces. ‘I hate the fates that invented such a stupid thing!!!!!!’ ‘Love does not exist!’” Aw, teenage angst. Also, just throwing in onomatopoeia doesn’t make for good imagery.

Konstantinos comes into her room unannounced and gives her a cat. This is a good tip, if you’re going to marry a fourteen year old girl against her will, just give her kittens to subside her rage. In one conversation, she’s ready to marry him. Because it’s that easy when YOU’RE FORCING AN UNDERAGE GIRL TO MARRY YOU SO YOU DON’T END UP KILLING THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE IN A WAR.

She bumps into Donald on her way to her father, and the wall just got ten feet higher.

She bumps into Samuel, and he asks her on a date.

She runs into a random prince who acts for her and then leaves. How quirky.

Chapter Seven: We’re introduced to her brother, who lives in the Kingdom of Australia. Australia was never a kingdom; it was a penal colony for the British Empire, and then a commonwealth. She made up three random kingdoms, but then throws in Australia.

“What was he doing here when he was supposed to be in the faraway kingdom of Australia leading his successful business as a Kangaroo Dealer? (Don’t ask)” I was actually going to ask if you know anything about kangaroos, they’re not safe animals.

She then imagines having Twilight-esque fangirls, sitting in the Kingdom of Paris wearing t-shirts with Team Konstantinos on it.

The Frenchman in me is being sent into a rage, Paris was never a kingdom. It’s the capital of France, which was the Kingdom of France.

Also, how are there t-shirts if this involves medieval/renaissance monarchy?

“The idea was so ridiculous it knocked me out of my incoherent state,” Yes, this is all ridiculous.

And yes, this obviously was partially inspired by Twilight, because her brother is on Team Sam.

Chapter Eight: Samuel gets killed in a joust, and then a dragon comes and burns the royal court.

Nope, I wish. Samuel gets hit in the chest while jousting, and then he has a dinner picnic with her. He admits his love for her, and I wanted to vomit. He tells her all the things that a fourteen year old girl dreams of hearing, and then she has her breakdown. She belittles herself despite having people ready to wage war for her. That doesn’t happen for the ugly girls.

She admits her love for him, and then they’re ready to start a war.

Chapter Nine: The ramblings of a fourteen year old girl giving a narrative monologue. I’m getting lost in all this dialogue. They somehow make sure there’s no war. What a resolution.

Epilogue: We’re treated to her wedding. It’s not a treat, though, it’s just shit.

The spelling and grammar were mostly there, but the plot was boring, and had clichés up the ass. Everything was so predictable, and sugarcoated. The voice was very obviously a teenaged girl with a strange fantasy, and it made me very uncomfortable. Was it the worst thing I’ve ever read? No, it’s about a step above the MLPxCOD fan fiction that I read, but still absolutely atrocious. Maybe over the last few years this girl honed her potential, and started writing actual plots, but I doubt it. There were also some gems to laugh at from sheer stupidity, like the Kingdom of Paris.

Bonus points for no death threats. 5/10.

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