66. Jimmy Carr

Dark humor makes you toe the line between jokes that make us realize how fucked up we are, and an edgy fourteen year old trying too hard to be offensive. If you tell a holocaust joke, you risk making yourself sound like your average /pol/ user. Plenty of comedians have used dark humor in their lifetimes; Carlin, Bruce, Pryor, Hicks, Black, Burr, C.K., Gervais, but most notably, Carr.

Jimmy Carr is a British comedian that is known for insulting hecklers and telling edgy jokes. Now I’ll admit, he makes me laugh, but it also makes me uneasy to admit that. Something about his comedy tells me that I should consider it purely edgy and of no merit, my standards of dark humor should be higher, but it doesn’t matter, apparently. The jokes are tasteless, or are they? They’re the kind of jokes that appear in askReddit threads, right? Am I not?

He’s clever, I’ll give him that. He did tell an offensive joke that didn’t say much actually offensive.

“They say there’s safety in numbers. Yeah, tell that to six million Jews.”

And he touted on stage about that one, and he wasn’t wrong. I like him, I like his comedy, but something about him is telling me that I shouldn’t. Maybe it’s his face, that cheeky look he always has. Or it’s the jokes that belong in a schoolyard. Or the very obviously staged hecklers oftentimes. I can’t pinpoint, perhaps it’s all of the above. Most likely it is. But even if I recognize all of those things, he’s still funny to me, and though it comes off as slightly shameful, it’s the truth.

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65. Bad Stand-Up Comedians

I’m not a stand-up comedian, not yet at least. Or likely ever, but wouldn’t it be nice? Well, I’m no stand-up comedian, but I am a writer, and much to some people’s dismay, stand-up actually requires you write your routines before you go up and do them, not improvise. Shocking, I know. My point in this is you have to both be funny and a good writer to do stand-up. If you can’t write but you’re funny, go be an actor or something, I don’t fucking know.

Donald Glover is sort of a good example for this. He’s a great actor and a funny dude, but if you watch his stand-up comedy, oh lord is it boring. Which is strange, because his raps can be quite witty, but put him on stage and ask him to speak and he seems to break down.

Then there are comedians who can’t write and aren’t funny, like Trevor Noah. Or Samantha Bee. Or Amy Schumer. Or Daniel Tosh. Most of these unfunny ones get their own shows, but it’s really bad when they’re political. Oh hey, you weren’t a good writer to begin with, and you couldn’t do funny for your life. I’m sure you can do cutting edge political humor or satire for millions of dollars an episode, right? Wrong? Well, who cares. Kids will laugh at anything these days. Family Guy is still on air, right? Trevor Noah could definitely go choke on a dick, though. Jon Stewart was a million times better.

Comedy Central isn’t very comedic, however. Unless you’re looking at their roster, that shit is hilariously bad. It’s unfunny show after unfunny stand-up comedian, after unfunny movie aimed at stoners. They’re also the ones that keep giving these people money, so fuck Comedy Central.

Stop giving these people money, they don’t deserve their fame. It baffles me how anyone can tolerate bad stand-up, it’s like listening to your friend tell shitty jokes for an hour and a half. It’s also baffling how there are people who are funny, but flop when they get on stage.

Then there’s Aziz Ansari. Fuck him. Sure, he’s not as bad as Amy Schumer, but my sister compared me to him the other day and I’m still pissed about that one.

Next Up: Edgy stand-up comedians, also known as my ambivalence to Jimmy Carr

64. Kotick Chronicles – Cut Short and I don’t Care

It’s not often I find myself calling something surreal. I often write humor using an absurd premise and non-sequitur, usually a poor attempt after being inspired by Monty Python. I don’t often call things surreal because I don’t have a penchant for fine arts, and I can’t tell you renaissance from baroque, or why people consider Picasso a good artist. All I can tell you about the surreal is that Dali was part of the movement, and I can give you the dictionary definition.

Surrealism: a style of art and literature developed principally in the 20th century, stressing the subconscious or non-rational significance of imagery arrived at by automatism or the exploitation of chance effects, unexpected juxtapositions, etc. (dictionary.com)

What I can tell you is that when I do find something surreal, it means it’s had a truly unusual effect on my simpleton mind. Something was so truly weird or unsettling when juxtaposed with reality, that it had an effect, causing me to classify it as surreal.

When you mix horror with surreal, then it has a truly creepy effect. Junji Ito is a man that comes to mind, as he’s inspired by the eldritch concepts that plagued Lovecraft’s mind. Normal settings that quickly go awry with that hint of Japanese style horror, the kind that goes the extra mile past American slashers. How I’d describe what I’m writing about today, however, is a crappy, 4Chan Junji Ito with a religious flair. The Kotick Chronicles is an anomaly of web comics to me. It’s got crappy art, mixed with a surreal religious story of a boy, who shares a name with a bigwig at Blizzard, that dies and comes back from heaven. As far as I know, it’s an incomplete comic, and I’d rather it stay that way.

I found this about a year or two back, originally, either on /b/ or Reddit, and was intrigued by the weird panel I saw. So I searched it out, and found a Reddit post that had a 56 page album for this.

Bobby, the protagonist, is taken to his older friend’s house, and we’re not really explained as to how they know each other, or why, just that his friend is creepy, and a crappy tool for foreshadowing. Kotick then inexplicably dies, bleeding out for whatever reason, he wakes up in a vast emptiness, only to meet the edgy scribble of a 14 year old trying to make an album cover for Tool the poorly drawn gateway to any realm. This gateway informs him that he is in heaven, but due to its infinite size, it is unlikely that he’ll ever meet another soul in there. It’s at this point you find yourself getting bored with the writer’s religious/nihilistic musings, and I found myself unimpressed, there’s a concept here that could work, but it falls flat. The art is also absolute crap in general, but this gateway being is just so poorly drawn, poorly attempted, and looks like something my older sister drew in her goth phase. You know, back when hot topic was for a different kind of social outcast.

The party finds him dead and dumps him in an alleyway, where he wakes up after eating metaphysical demon caviar, and a homeless man somehow knows he came back from the dead. So does the redneck that took him to the party. The redneck, who after about 60 pages we finally learn his name is Blake, knows what Kotick saw, and knows it wasn’t right. So he wants to build heaven on earth, and it’s over. It ends there. Page 62 of the comic, there’s nothing more. It stops there. If I cared more about the story, I’d search it out, try to find something else, but this is who the story sucks. I don’t give a flying fuck how it ends. It failed to entrance me.

I wasn’t unsettled by its content, like I would be reading Ito, I’m unsettled by the emptiness of it. Everything is black and white and poorly drawn, the writer doesn’t put any effort into making a unique setting, so it feels empty. My mind isn’t simulated, it’s like staring at a blank wall. That’s why it’s surreal to me, it’s like reading a comic in a dream, rather than in reality.

63. Jack – I Feel Bad for Writing About This One

Preface: I feel like no one should actually read this review. I feel dirty after it.

I’m not an artist. I mean, technically I am, writing is an art, even if it isn’t very artistic writing, but I’m not an artist. I can’t draw for shit. Maybe if I practiced more, but writing is easier for me. I applaud anyone who can draw, and I especially applaud anyone who can draw and write. I have immense respect for anyone who makes a comic on their own, because it’s hard work, and takes balls to post, but when it’s crap, well, I don’t despise the author, unless it’s a blatantly bad and lazy comic (Ctrl+Alt+Del), holds crappy, backwards ass messages (Dumbing of Age), or has furries in it.

Webcomics are probably the ultimate form of crappy self-publishing, writing is a hard field, comics are a hard field, but for every good comic you find, there’s ten bad ones, if I’m  being generous with my made up statistics. So I took a little stroll through the bad comic wiki, which is almost as addicting as TVtropes, and I picked a furry comic, of course. Why wouldn’t I?

Jack.

“This comic is an atomic bomb. It will destroy anything and anybody that touches, reads, or looks at it. This comic is an example of the downfall of civilization, leaving a trail of nothing but destruction, deformed mutations and cancer in its wake. Pray you, avoid it.” –Badwebcomicswiki, they’re making it sound like my kind of comic.

I’ve read My Immortal and Sonic High School, sat through the Pain Olympics, watched The Room, and eaten bland Brussel Sprouts, I can do this.

One page in and we already start fucked up, as we’re shown a fetus thinking. Thankfully I was scarred as a child by those comics the Invader Zim writer made, so this is just making me laugh. Also, this is colored with colored pencils, and this guy can’t write, something I expected from someone who makes horror, gory, furry porn comics.

So the fetus is named “Fnar,” and he’s a stillborn. Jack, the titular character, is a green canidae type furry, who is the Grim Reaper I guess? Well, Fnar’s mom is in hell, and he’s going to live with her.

That was just the first arc, the next one starts with a Columbine-esque furry, who goes to shoot up the school. It was at this point where I questioned my own sanity, and then continued reading. So, I was told there would be gore, but something about colored pencils just doesn’t do it for me. Oh yeah and this school shooter is wearing a Korn shirt. Well, his reign of terror gets put to an end by some purple rabbit that’s called the “NRA Preacher.” Side note, people in this comic are referred to as “fur” and “some fur.” And then he gets dragged to hell, and I’m not even going to describe this.

So, honestly, if you have a weak stomach this really isn’t the comic for you, like at all. If you have an aversion to furries, religion, gore, or have common sense, this isn’t for you. If you love yourself, stay away. But I haven’t cared much about reading or seeing fucked up shit, this was just boring for me. Boring and weird, oh so very weird.

This was a venture into the psyche of someone who is in need of severe psychiatric help, because it’s one thing to read these comics, but it’s another thing entirely to write and draw them. For your own good, dear readers, stay the hell away from this.

62. Marvel Movies are Meh

Marvel movies are going downhill, and that’s because they’ve got comfortable. They don’t really care about us anymore, because we like them so much. They did Iron Man right, they did Avengers right, they did Guardians of the Galaxy right, but what else have they done that was actually good? Well, Winter Soldier, but that was rare. Name another good Captain America movie? I’ll wait. Pro tip, you can’t. Those movies are crap. Thor movies? Crap. Age of Ultron? Crap. Hulk? Don’t make me laugh. Deadpool? Eh, it was alright. I had fun watching it.

Marvel just comfortable they’ve decided we’re toilet paper with money instead of customers. They can pull whatever shit they want because they know that they’re not DC, and we’ll watch their movies. At least they’re enjoyable unlike DC movies. DC movies are just pure shit. Arrow too, I fucking hate Arrow.

I mean what the hell was going on in Civil War? The plot was buttfuck stupid, Baron Zemo did nothing, that cinematography gave me a goddamned headache, and I didn’t empathize with any characters, except for those car scenes with Bucky and Falcon. Guardians of the Galaxy 2 didn’t have a plot. Doctor Strange was like watching House M.D. on acid. Are you going to tell me that these are cinematic masterpieces, or cheap enjoyment for two hours? Yeah, we all know why you go see Marvel movies. You want to watch thirteen dollar, softcore, gay porn of guys named Chris and shitty couples. That’s why. I don’t buy it.

61. Movie Adaptations: I’m Slightly Upset About Them but not Really

Can we stop turning comics and books into movies? Just, please? They work so much better as TV shows, and you see it happening slightly, but there’s still more movie adaptations than anything else. It’s a cheap cash grab, even though no one likes going to the movies. You spend a couple million and receive more in return, ideally, unless your movie is absolute shit, and you start tarnishing the name of your studio.

I’d say the biggest problem is that books and comics have these things called stories, and stories take a while to finish because they involve character development. Trying to adapt that to two hours will usually fail, because two hours is nothing. If you devote an entire season, you actually get people attached. Just look at GoT if you need an example of that. Now, this isn’t to say that you can’t have compelling characters in a movie, but you’re more likely to see an original story succeed for that rather than an adaptation. Or, if it’s an adaptation, the writers are making their own plot, rather than vaguely copying several arcs of a comic or book series and throw them together. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Marvel and D.C., go fuck yourselves. D.C. can double fuck themselves, because at least Marvel movies are entertaining. Christopher Nolan was the best thing to happen to you. And it took him three movies to develop a character. And the third one sucked.

That’s what I call a tangent.

One of my favorite movies is Kingsman: The Secret Service. It’s a graphic novel adaptation made by someone who can actually adapt graphic novels, but upon seeing the trailer for the sequel, I was left thinking “Why milk it like this?” The movie was good, Mathew Vaughn is good, but if he just makes this a sequel machine, wouldn’t it be better to devote hours upon hours of screen time to do the plot justice? Or how much better it would be to actually see a superhero fail and train harder, watch them actually lose something, and then overcome it, rather than watch it get condensed to two hours? I think it would be, but I forgot that there’s no artistic integrity in all of Hollywood, money makes the world go round, and the Rothschild rule everything.

Wait, this isn’t Alex Jones’ show, scratch out that last one.

60. Absurdist Turd Monger

Fuck Wes Anderson. Fuck, Wes Anderon. Fuck Wes Anderson. Anderson, Wes Anderson, fuck him. He’s not Wes Craven, like I used to think, he’s just some pretentious fucker that treats actors like dolls for his weird movies. I think they’re considered comedies, but I don’t find myself laughing at them. Unless we’re laughing at how bad they are. Only I laugh at how bad they are. Every other hipster praises them for being quirky. Fuck your quirks. I do absurdist humor and your shit isn’t absurdist. It’s more like uncanny valley. These actors don’t look real, and don’t talk like real people.

If you asked aliens to make a documentary about humans, and gave them half a week to write it, you’d get a Wes Anderson movie. A year later, I’m still pissed at Moonrise Kingdom. Even the name stupid. You’re stupid Wes Anderson. “Oh look at me, I’m a boyscout in the 50s, but I don’t like it. Bruce Willis is fucking my mom, and he looks like a dork. That’s funny, right? My troop leader that unintentionally looks like a pedophile is so quirky. I’m so quirky. My friends are quirky but I don’t have friends because it’s that kind of movie. We all talk like we’re not human.” Fuck you, Wes Anderson. Except the Fantastic Mister Fox. I want to watch that one, because even a blind dog finds a fucking bone, now don’t they Wes? Throw your shit at a wall enough times, like the typewriting monkey you are, and it’ll stick, won’t it Wes? MAKE ENOUGH MOVIES AND ONE WILL BE WATCHABLE, WON’T IT, WES?

Um, that’s all I guess. There was no point to this.

59. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2- An Utterly Enjoyable Clusterfuck

            Guardians of the Galaxy got a sequel, and I didn’t know it came out until my friend reminded me. I think that can sum up my viewing experience for it.

So this week I’ll be a movie reviewer because it’s not like there’s enough of those already. Although it’s mostly because I don’t actually have the time to read anything shitty this week, and I just saw Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 today. Now, I have a lot of thoughts and none at all about this movie. At the same time.

The movie is a cluster fuck, almost like Suicide Squad, but worse. Nothing happens in the movie until the final act, and you don’t know who the villains are until the final act. The CGI was subpar, I guess Marvel was still recovering from Doctor Strange budget wise. Though it was basically all CGI, so there was no money for character design; we got a whole race of people that look like they belonged in Austin Powers rather than a Marvel movie. They were literally just painted gold, and made no sense. This movie went more for the “cool factor” rather than the practical factor, which is excusable for a cheesy sci-fi/super hero movie, but it went overboard here. These gold fucks had these odd spaceships that acted like video games, but their faces were displayed on them for no reason, and they go full Jihadi with them at certain points. They also all speak in British accents, because the unspoken rules of sci-fi are as follows: Everyone must dress like an 80s reject, everyone must speak perfect English in an American, British, or vaguely Ethnic accents (there are no French aliens,) and we have to assume dogfights can actually happen in space. These gold people were named The Sovereign, which made me think of The Venture Bros., and made me wish I was binging that. But my Netflix is expired and I’m cheap.

Seriously, we don’t know who the villain is until the end of the movie. At first it’s the gold people, then it’s Yondu, then the blue chick, then it’s the gold people again, then it’s Kurt Russel, then it’s the gold people and Kurt Russel. Kurt Russel’s character didn’t have a clear motivation, he just hates life. I don’t blame him, but there’s no motive. Maybe he found someone’s Starlord x Rocket fan fiction.

A lot of the comedy fell flat, and the funny jokes were funny by a margin. This movie didn’t take itself seriously at all. Which is a bad thing. The original GoG took itself somewhat seriously, which grounded it. This movie couldn’t decide whether it wanted to be a comedy, ci-fi, drama, dramedy, romance, action, adventure, fantasy, it switched so often. At least it had more color than Suicide Squad.

This movie was enjoyable, but unfulfilling. The writers just didn’t care, and made a movie with no plot. Nothing was cohesive, and there was no real connection between anything. Also there was a random Sylvester Stallone appearance, which didn’t need to happen. Neither did five after credits scenes. I’d watch it again because it was mindless entertainment, but I will never understand this movie. They tried to make it the Dead by Dawn to its Evil Dead, but they failed. Oh well, it’s a Marvel movie anyway, no one cares about quality, or Civil War wouldn’t have happened.

58. I Thought This Would be Funny. It Wasn’t.

There are 29,571 Naruto crossover fanfictions on Fanfiction.net. What do bleach cocktails taste like?

There are 2,300 Naruto Harry Potter fanfictions. What goes good with bleach? I’m thinking cranberry juice and orange juice.

Here’s an excerpt from the prologue:

Warning: This story is a mixture between cannon and AU containing a Sherlock like/ powerful fem Harry, character bashing, alive Severus Snape, nice Malfoys and all around occ-ness.

So this is a crossover fanfiction with a Rule 63 character, fucked up canon, is influenced by Sherlock, anime, and is a “Romance & Adventure.” I knew I was in for a wild ride, folks, and it could only go down from there. And by go down I mean 6 feet under.

Type: Fem Harry x itachi…Lovers

The fuck is an itachi? I’ve never watched Naruto because I’m not a fucking weaboo, when I watch anime it means the folks in hell are getting their snow gear.

 

So after getting through two chapters of introduction and backstory, which basically seem like the author’s notes, you learn that they

  1. Literally don’t give a shit about canon entirely.
  2. Have a mind made of spaghetti.
  3. Probably shouldn’t have internet connection. Or a computer. Or any modern amenities. Or pen and paper. I think lobotomies are in order. I definitely need one now.

 

The first real chapter is split into three parts, which made me dread this even more. Also, a side note, but fanfiction.net doesn’t let you copy and paste, I guess to avoid plagiarism, but that makes putting quotes in here even more annoying. And who the fuck wants to plagiarize Rainbowdash x Fem Dipper fan fictions? Why does that probably exist?

So after getting through the boring chapter that is nothing but flashbacks, I learnt that Snape is Rosemary’s (Harry’s) adopted dad, and something about France. I think. Wait, no, just Parseltounge. Looked French. But really, this is actually impossible to follow, as it’s flashback after flashback, with no cohesion whatsoever. I will give the writer credit, however, as in the third part of the first chapter, they make the most boring thing, bank statements and lists. Horrible.

 

So, after reading it, I realized that this wasn’t even funny bad. Just walls of text with no flow, and it bored me to tears. TO TEARS. Well, not tears, but overreaction is better than underreaction.