35. Milk and Honey a.k.a. Jizz and Shit

Milk and Honey: What is it? Why is it so popular? Who knows? Who cares? Well, I personally don’t care about it, but the few times I’ve seen it and opened up that monstrosity, I learned just how shitty it was. It’s a collection of poetry by this chick named Rupi Kapur. It’s filled with odd forms, weird drawings, and a collection of fragments that she calls poetry. The “poems” are all risqué; therefore they’re good, right? Nope. They deal with some heavy topics, like sex and abuse, but they’re all ham-fisted. There’s no tact or nuance to any of their poems. Hell, there’s not even enough substance to call them real poems. There’s nothing poetic about them. Rupi Kapur just goes on writing down fragments of thoughts, and pretends it’s artsy.

I’ve heard people come valiantly to its defense, “It’s got so much depth to it! The meaning behind it is good! That excuses the poor execution!” Or something like that. I’m building a strawman out of things I’ve heard. But just because it has a deep meaning to it doesn’t mean it’s good. You actually have to execute it well for it to be good, so fuck off. I don’t care whether it’s talking about abuse or the Queen of England getting it on, if the actual writing isn’t good, I can’t call it good.

Why is it so popular? From what I’ve seen, it’s mostly popular amongst young teenagers, who don’t have a command of the English language, and lack any sensible tastes in literature. They see an angsty book and get drawn to it. That’s why the Young Adult genre was so successful.

All in all, fuck that piece of shit book. I hate seeing it.

34. D’Spayr: A Douche in a Pompous Land – Part 2

I found the plot. Believe it or not, I found the plot. The plot is: Some guy named Bluhd, because the cool guys need edgy names spelled slightly differently, he wants this scrawny kid tha D’Spayr finds, because the kid is magical. He’s a wytchborn, because it’s too lame to spell witch properly. Some old woman is taking care of the boy, and tells D’Spayr that Bluhd has a flittership, or a skyship. So this guy Bluhd is like super duper evil. He comes from a lineage of evil people. Bloodthirsty really.

The more I read this, the more I felt like I was reading the lyrics to some amateur black or fantasy metal song. This just means that the guy wants to ruin everything I love, metal included.

The plot continues, Bluhd wants to go and find this place called Katamahr, where there’s still order and civilization. He wants to destroy it, but can’t unless he has The Object that the boy and the old woman have.

As expected, D’Spayr is your nineties anti-hero. Bad ass, cynical, doesn’t give a fuck about other people, and will talk down to anyone. The problem? This trope is overused and sucks. It got spent-up in a short amount of time, and only 14 year old boys like it.

We learn that D’Spayr knows Bluhd, and after a long description of why, we literally get:

“Oh, by the way, he is my half-brother.”

Calling all tropes, calling all tropes, will the “evil family” trope please come to the counter. How did this “author” fit so much crap into just part one?

And so the story goes, journey continues as we’d all figure. This was painfully boring to read, just absolutely and horribly boring. Blocks of text filled with description took the place of dialogue, and whatever dialogue there was, was stiff and blocky. It’s almost like the “writer” learned how to write dialogue from anime subtitles.

Do I blame the guy for trying? No. I despise the story, but maybe if he grows up a bit and loses the exposition and edginess, he can write an actual sci-fi story. But like I’ve said before for other pieces, the chances of this happening are so fucking slim. So I don’t blame him for trying, but I do blame him for not trying harder. The lack of dialogue, the over imposition of exposition, and the absolutely horrible names, I give this story a 5.5/10. Try harder not to be boring, and don’t litter names with apostrophes. That trope is saved for elves and orcs in fantasy.

33. D’Spayr: A Douche in a Pompous Land – Part 1.

It’s a new year, but the shit is still the same. Another year on this earth means another year of fan fiction, unedited Wattpad stories, and low quality TV and film. As disappointing as it is, I indulge in the schadenfreude of reading and viewing it all. So with that, let’s cover Wattpad. In specific, a story from one of the ten guys on there.

Wattpad is filled with chick lit, all these women fulfilling their odd fantasies. But what of male power fantasies? Those that brought us Conan the Barbarian, superheroes, and eighties action movies? Well, there’s dick lit for that. Palahniuk is a good example of it, but I found one that’s even better. With a title straight from a nineties antihero comic, D’Spayr: A Knight in the Withered Land is only missing “unleashed,” and it could pass as one of those edgy cash grabs from the nineties and early two thousands.

But we don’t judge books by the cover right? Well, I do, but that’s beside the point. Let’s cover the real problems. This has one of the worst and most generic premises that I’ve seen in science fiction.

In the spirit of Asimov, the setting is a galactic empire that’s fallen, and a rogue knight who’s lost his allegiance travels the land. But unlike Asimov’s Foundation series, the empire is never covered upon in depth, we’re only given a brief description of its history. It also copies Star Wars in this sense, and honestly just plenty of sci-fi’s. “Galactic Empires” are so overdone. Now mixing an overused premise with the wandering knight trope? Horrible.

Our story starts us off with backstory on the empire. Apparently this empire spanned the galaxy and was amazing, but then physics broke. Physics broke in this universe. With no actual explanation why, this guy just tells us that time broke, and gravity became inversed all over the place. None of it makes sense, but let’s suspend disbelief for a second, assume that time can actually break.

These mercenaries/former knights are roaming the land for work, and get lured into a town of cannibals.

How do cannibals maintain a society? There’s always tales of small tribes of cannibals in the Amazon, but the writer tells us that there’s at least 400 cannibals here. 400 cannibals maintaining a town; how do they make sure that no one eats anyone else? Are there laws against murder? If so, then how is cannibalism legal? It doesn’t hold up.

The point is, four of them die in this absurdity, and then one gets away.

This writer annoys me. He’s one of those people who go into a thesaurus, and try to fill every other word with an adjective or adverb. He can’t just simply describe a scene; he feels the need to force a pseudo-poetic description. Fuck off, man. Write like a normal person.

The first part really lacks a plot, it’s just empty exposition. We learn that this knight, just called “The Knight,” rides a reptilian steed, and they hate each other. Is this giant reptile horse thingy smart enough to hate? Are we going to get a zany adventure? Is this going to turn into a buddy cop story?

The second we get any bit of a plot, any bit of dialogue, the writer goes to exposition, giving everything a description or backstory at once.

When people think of science fiction and fantasy, they think of pompous romps, filled with pages of empty and self-absorbed description, that all amounts to nothing but some nerd mentally masturbating. Normally, I defend the genres from these thoughts because of how vast and nuanced they are, and my love for them. This story however, is exactly that, and completely indefensible. The only thing that makes it worse is that it’s basically a YA chick lit story, but the edgy protagonist isn’t a woman, it’s some space knight guy. Some edgy teenage nerd went and wrote a power fantasy.

 

In my next post, I try to find the plot, and talk about it.

32. Some Christmas Bullshit

Alright, so there’s this lil fucker going around who fancies himself a writer, and let me tell you, he is shit. Like, everything about him pisses me off. This guy even has the worst name, “Charlie Dickinson,” or some shit like that. I mean, what weird pseudonym is that? Dickinson? Like Emily? Get original, you fucking fanboy.

So apparently mister fanboy also liked Christmas, and he went and wrote this absolutely horrible story about it.

We start off with this guy called Ebenezer Scrooge (he also likes to rip off Disney. Fucking fan fictions.) Now Scrooge is a pretty cool guy; he’s rich, a dick to everybody, and hates Christmas. My type of guy. His business partner, this reggae singer, died a few years back, and maybe he was gay or something, but he still seems a lil bitter about this.

Well, after being a dick to his nephew and overworked employee, he goes home. It’s there where Scrooge is about to go to bed, but Bob Marley comes in and is all like “Ooh, I’m a ghost now. You’ll be too if you don’t stop being a dick and listen to these other ghostly motherfuckers that are coming tonight.”

Now here’s where the plot turns into this sci-fi bullshit we all hate so much, and he does a time travel plot. No one can write time travel. Thankfully, he doesn’t interfere with anything. It’s more like the world’s worst TV show for Scrooge.

This bitch comes around and is all like “hey, Scroogey, we’re going to the past.” And he goes with her. Then he remembers he wasn’t always a dick, until he got engaged to this girl. Then he screwed it up by being too greedy (is this Dickens guy an anti-Semite or something?)

Then Scrooge checks out the present, and the ghost shows him that he’s a salty fucker. That’s really all it is, this “stave” is super fucking weak and boring.

Then he goes to the future, and learns that he’s such a piece of shit, no one’s going to love him when he dies. He pledges to change his ways, but guess what you dumbie. You won’t give a shit when you’re dead! You’ll be dead! Fuckwad.

So Scrooge comes back, and has this super cliché, feel-good ending. Fuck this self-inset wannabe writer, making bullshit Christmas stories. I’m going to go to Wattpad and find some quality writing.

31. Unwrapped

I’m going to do something I never do, recommend something. And much to my surprise, I’m recommending something Christmas related. Now, it’s a comedy and a short film, things I actually enjoy, but with that out of the way, let’s talk about Unwrapped (2013), by a YouTube channel called “Vick Krishna.”

Let’s get the flaws out of the way:

  •  The opening scene features one of the most clichéd characters, a boss who’s a dick right before Christmas.
  • The set design looks too depressing for even a mail office in a corporate building.
  • The characters aren’t exactly clear cut, given that they’re silent, and we just have to assume that they’re mail-boys.
  • Not all of the music fits well. Some of the songs help the overdramatic mood of the plot, but then we get hit with some songs that are far too upbeat. And a dubstep version of “jingle bells.” I really don’t like dubstep.
  • I’m not sure how to feel about this ending.

Now what I like about it:

  • The characters’ silence helps the slapstick shtick.
  • Watching these two characters fight like idiots with increasing stupidity is right up my alley when it comes to humor.
  • It’s slapstick. How many comedy sketches are slapstick nowadays?
  • The premise is absurd, down to the core.
  • I’m still not sure how to feel about this ending.

What’s the plot? Two employees, Vick and John, have to stay overtime on Christmas to wrap up presents in the office. Time goes on, and it’s going well as they get close to the end, but with two packages left, and only one strand of tape left, they start to fight over the tape. The situation devolves as the fight gets more heated. That’s all there is to it, it’s awfully minimalistic, and for a skit, I absolutely love it. Christmas has almost fuck-all to do with the actual plot, and it could have been done on any other day, so it gains points with me. Finally, the music, despite being Christmas music, isn’t all that bad.

With mixed feelings about the ending, I feel like it still fits, so I give this sketch an 8.5/10. I recommend it to everyone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1HCUQxh7R8

30. Christmas Poems

Internet poetry is bad, so what happens when you mix it with Christmas? The type of chipper and cheery attitude that makes me sick, and makes me want to kill myself in the morning. I’m not even going to call this shit bad, I’m just going to make fun of it.

“Christmas” by M.E. Miro.

“Christmas is more than a day in December” that is true. Christmas is a holiday in December.

“It’s all of those things we love to remember” I actually don’t, thank you very much.

“It’s carolers singing familiar refrains” Stalkers singing tunes that line horror movies, coming to your door in groups to torment you. How nice.

“Bright colored stockings and shiny toy trains” Christmas BDSM.

“Streamers of tinsel and glass satin balls” still sounds like Christmas BDSM.

“Laughter that rings through the house and its halls” unless you come from a: broken family, large family, small family, or not high on ecstasy/drunk off your ass.

“Christmas is more than a day in December” didn’t I just cover that, you repetitive fuckwad?

“It’s the magic and the love” Magic’s not real, you dingus.

“That we’ll always remember” unless you were touched by a mall Santa, then you’ll always remember that.

I give this poem a 6/10. It was boring, sappy, and lacked proper punctuation. Also it rhymed, so I hate it even more.

“My Christmas Tree” by Orlaith. As written in comic sans.

“O Christmas tree/I love you so/” Tree fucker “With decorations/high and low/” still no punctuation. “With bobbles all around/And bells that I found/” you just found some bells? What are bobbles? This imagery sucks. “Presents underneath/wrapped so tidy and neat/” Underneath and neat don’t rhyme. “A star on top/That I got in the Christmas shop/” Thank god I don’t live in a city where there are fucking Christmas shops. “The lights flicker/and the tinsel glitters/O Christmas tree/I love you so.” If you love the Christmas tree so much, why don’t you shove it up your sappy ass with that shitty imagery?

4/10 your poem sucks.

“Star in my Heart” by Mary E. Linton.

“Christmas is where you are…the chimes, the snow/All makes a setting for the heart aglow/” What’s snow? I live in Southern Florida? I thought Christmas was discount store lights wrapped around palm trees.

“But Christmas is more subtle than all these/Something beyond the shimmering of trees/” So it’s not palm trees with lights then. Alright, what is it?

“Something that reaches deep within the heart/to find your song, though we are far apart/” I don’t have a song. And are we far apart? Mary, when did we drift this far?

“And if you hear my voice across the years/singing the songs we both have learned through tears/” Mary, oh dear Mary come back to me! I can hear the singing! Sound is transcending the years in the fourth dimension!

“Know that it holds the faith deep planted here/” I’m agnostic.

“Nourished by your dreams and our one prayer/” I don’t pray, and my dreams are made of nonsense. They don’t nourish jack-shit.

“There must be miles between us, but a ray/ Shines through the darkness and we know the way/” Mary, you’ve touched my heart. I’ll come back to you. I can see the Jesus magic light connecting our hearts.

“For where you are the Christmas star is bright/And its Christmas in my heart tonight.” There’s a Christmas star? What shit are you talking about? Are you high? There’s only blood in your heart, you idiot. I’ve reconsidered, and we should stay separated, Mary. I can’t be with an idiot.

7/10, at least you used punctuation, but you’ve creeped me out, so 6/10. Get in there with the other Christmas creeps.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.

29. Lorrie’s Christmas Fantasy

It’s absolutely hilarious to me when people on Wattpad copyright their stories. Do they really think people want to steal their shitty, unoriginal ideas? Then again, this is Wattpad. I also doubt they actually went to a patent office and copyrighted something under their username “Readinbooks2” or “LanaLovely,” but I probably shouldn’t underestimate the stupidity of people.

Lorrie’s Christmas Fantasy. They say not to judge a book by its cover, but the cover of this is an incredibly buff shirtless man, wearing a Santa and Christmas lights, with the title superimposed in three different texts and colors. I knew at that point that I was in for a wild ride. Or a boring one, I’m shite at differentiating them.

Oh, and it’s erotic. It’s been too long since I did erotica.

“Meet Lorrie Tucker… A lonely young woman who just wants a lonely holiday get-a-way with some warm cookies, eggnog, and holiday music. What happens when she unintentionally wishes for a man? Will she get him? Or will she get freaked out? Read on, a short erotic story.” My prediction, both will happen, and I’ll cringe at some shitty erotica. I also bet that Lorrie is a landwhale, or her author is at least.

The first paragraph is already off. “The lights are dimmed in the cabin, the tree is up; sparkling with the beautiful angel atop of it, the fire is brewing…” Do fires brew? No they don’t, because you don’t mix fire with hot water. It doesn’t work like “a storm is brewing” either, but I’m being pedantic. The real issue is that the introduction says she wants a lonely getaway, then the author writes “It’s times like these where I wished I wasn’t so lonely. ‘Bring me a man Santa.’ I said, laughing at my own loneliness.” How can you be one paragraph in and already contradicting yourself? And this isn’t a meme shitpost on Tumblr, laughing at your own loneliness is pathetic.

It is at this point in the first chapter where I think the author was getting turned on by her ideas, and couldn’t write properly, because while the first half started out relatively error free, it slowly devolved into mistake after mistake.

A quick rundown of the first chapter goes like this: She decides to hit the Jacuzzi, and before she does, a paper falls out of a cabinet and lets her know that her wish came true. Suddenly everything starts to freeze around her, she goes to bed, and an invisible icey wish-man starts molesting her until she gives in. And he’s a “6’2”, tanned, hot, gorgeous man…” And again, she was so turned on that she couldn’t spell right, but she could censor the word nipples. She spells it n!ipples.

“‘Don’t be afraid, baby.’ The sexy no-named stranger whispered opal one my neck.” What? Opal one my neck?

“His lips linger on my neck. ‘I will only do what you ask of me, Lorrie.’ He says. I feel myself moisten to my core.” When people say they hate the word moist, I don’t get it. But now, now I do.

“Suddenly I feel my knees weaken as his long, COLD tongue licks from my collarbone.. to my neck.. To my earlobe.. Oh god!” I didn’t know Gene Simmons was doing Christmas gigs now.

“‘Do I make you nervous?’ He whispered, pulling me closer, my hard nipp1espressing at his hard chest. God, if he only knew!” It’s been a while since I read something so stupid that I started laughing.

Part 2: Mines Forever. Say what?

Originally posted by yourreactiongifs

           So, this woman writes erotica, but won’t spell any naughty words. N!pples/nipp1es, c0ck, what else? She spells “fuck” though.

We learn that the mysterious man is cousin to Jack Frost, which is stupid. Much like this story. He also continues molesting her, because he apparently can make her do what he wants without her having a say in it.

“I walk closer to the bed. ‘Come to me.’ He says, moving his finger in a ‘come here’ motion.” Repetitive, how very repetitive, “My body reacts without my permission again, and I even get on the bed! What the hell! As I get control over myself, I notice that I am straddling his waist, and he sits up.” I know a lot of girls like dominance, but I figured this would cross some lines. Oh well, there’s also rape erotica, fetishes are weird.

“He notices this, and smiles on my breast.” I, uh, what? What is this? I need an adult.

He is seriously rapey. “You are mine, Lorrie. This is meant to be just go with the flow. I am still here. You still believe.” Ah yes, you’re still here, and the girl that can’t say no because of the roofie obviously wants it. But of course our main character does want it. She gives in rather quickly. Stockholm syndrome is a hell of a drug. “H was perfection, and he wanted me. ME! I feel so beautiful, so wanted.”

Again, she won’t spell “moan,” but she’ll say the she wants him to fuck her. “I m0an into his mouth to show my appreciation. I don’t want to tell him what to do. I want him to dominate me. I want him to take me. I want him to fuck me! I want him so fucking bad! I suck his tongue in my mouth,” And this shit gets thousands of reads. “It doesn’t bother me when his cold hands grip my ass, making my core grind against his hard d!ck.” Careful with those naughty words, your parents might find out and ground you.

After a very awkward sex scene, she wants him to stay, and she becomes his forever, with an ending that confuses me more than Inception. He teleports her somewhere with him, but I’m not sure where. So I went ahead and read the bonus chapter, which I very much regret. He starts pulling shit where he disappears on her, teases her, and then she learns to disappear too. And then another weird sex scene.

This story was good for a few laughs, so that gives it an edge over some other shit I read. But it’s still bad. I don’t think this was even proofread (much like my blog posts), and it reeks of weird fantasies. I give it a 4/10, leaving me in need of a shotgun aspirin.

28. Christmas Love

I’m truly the happiest man on Earth when my favorite website, genre, and holiday come together and make the literary equivalent of a pained bowel movement.

Wattpad, romance, and Christmas, aka, “I hate myself so I run this blog.”

Christmas Love:

“Christmas: that’s the time you deck the halls with boughs of holly and spread joy and happiness everywhere you go… For Louise it mean that another loveless year had gone by. But despite that she loved Christmas…” Wow, I already hate Christmas, I can’t imagine celebrating it while being a lonely fuck. Also this intro already has grammatical errors, so I’m in for a wild ride. I can tell.

There’s a copyright on this story. It’s copyrighted under their username, ChristmasKisses. Is it possible to catch retard? I’m afraid it might be contagious.

Starting off, it’s in first person, because what’s a Wattpad romance if it isn’t in first person?

“Christmas lights spread through the living room. You can never have too many Christmas lights.” I beg to differ. One is already too many.

So our main character is sad. Very very sad. And I don’t mean sad as in “she is feeling sad,” which she is, I mean she makes me sad. Partially because she’s depressing, but also because the author likes Celine Dion.

She runs an inherited book store, can you spell wish fulfillment?

Now I had this prediction before reading, because I love going in with a bias. She’s probably secretly beautiful and will have someone fall for her. Well somehow she knows the last name of this rich guy who comes to her bookstore, and is an asshole to her. Then he shows up at her house as she’s decorating, because Christmas miracles. But this writer can’t stay consistent, and switches his name so many times. And what type of fucking name is Snowgrave.

But wait a second, this isn’t that rich guy. Or is it. There’s no consistency, she calls the rich asshole in her store Mr. Snowgrave, and calls this artist guy who shows up Mr. Snowgrave and Mr. Mystery. But she also introduces herself as the owner of the store to the rich guy, but then Snowgrave is asking her if she owns the store when he miraculously shows up.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING?

And she lets this random guy in and opens up about her life, because that’s how love works, right? Or murders, I can’t tell the difference. This isn’t the only inconsistency either, the tenses in first person switch from present to future quite often.

This rich guy also only gets girls that want his fortune. But guess what we learn, he’s the most eligible bachelor, yet somehow he magically ends up in this girl’s lawn, and we all know how this is going to fucking end. This is a Christmas story. She gets the guy and it’s a happy ending. What else could it be? I don’t recommend this to anyone. It’s a fucking bore, and the tense changes give me a headache.

Fuck Christmas and fuck you too, Christmaskissez, fuck you too.

27. A Tipton Christmas

The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, a show that ran for some time on Disney Channel, and was so shitty they decided it deserved an even shittier sequel. But wait, this is going on Tumblr, I can’t insult anything Disney, right?

Anyway, Christmas, this bullshit holiday is causing me too much pain, and December just started. A Tipton Christmas.

A/N: Yes, I know this is nowhere near Chrstmas, but I decided to do this anyway. Why. This was published in September of 2005. Who is in the Christmas spirit in September.

So, as expected, this has the writing quality of a sixth grader, down to the repetition of every minute detail. It’s a fucking bore to read this, because I’m reading what a six year old would do with the bodies of Zack and Cody.

So as far as plot goes, there’s a battle of the bands, and this person actually wrote lyrics. They wrote a Christmas song in September.

Nothing is funny-bad in this. The sheer repetition of details makes we want a shotgun aspirin. Like, there’s a point where they’re under the mistletoe and Zack gets excited over a cheek kiss. They’re supposed to be sixteen in this. What sixteen year old gets excited over a cheek kiss?

This is always the worst thing about fanfictions to me: How boring they are. To find a gem where you laugh your ass off, you have to sift through piles of pseudo-literary shit. In this case, I read pages of boredom, utter boredom.

26. Jesus x Judas

           Rule 34 of the Internet: If it exists, there’s porn of it. I kept this in mind when I put “Jesus Christ” into Fanfiction.net, for you know, the Christmas spirit and all. And so, I found Jesus Christ Superstar slash fiction. It’s sacrilege time.

First person Jesus perspective, this is a very awkward read to begin with. But the part that makes this funny, this doesn’t have any of the usual shit on this website. The grammar is mostly there, save for two mess ups, the detail, spelling, syntax. The only thing out of place about this is it’s erotica about Jesus. You read this and start to laugh to yourself because of how strange it is.

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t expect to read about Jesus describing Judas’s muscles. Or expected Jesus to be a bottom.

Originally posted by hetalianobasuke

           What I’m happy is that I didn’t have to read about Jesus getting fucked in the ass, but at a second glance, I would much rather have read about him getting fucked, because reading the immense detail of the mutual passion in their eyes, of their tongues wrestling, and his touch hitting of all Jesus Christ’s soft spots. I can’t even say “Jesus fucking Christ” in this bullshit because of this shit.

But really, what the hell did I just read here. I caught a glimpse of someone’s perverted fucking mind. Even if it’s not fan fiction of the Bible, it’s still Jesus fan fiction.

“Our passion had finally found its way, reaching higher and higher until nothing else mattered, leaving us drained of energy, feeling then ever.”

Not only is this odd, it’s as clichéd as any other shitty piece. I really wonder why I even looked this up.