I’m not numbering this post because it’s drunken rambling

After a few shots of tequila I decided to look up cartoons from when I was young. I’m not a 90s kid TM, so for me I’m talking like mid-2000s, and I’m shocked to find fan art. Who actually sat down and decided to draw fanart of Jimmy Two Shoes? I forgot that show existed until an hour ago. Why are there full episodes of Captain Flamingo online? What the fuck is flash animation? But seriously, someone drew Jimmy Two Shoes fanart about him talking to a pony and Heloise (I don’t even know how I remember that name) is adding the pony to her kill list. Edgy.

Motorhead is good.

What the fuck is memorable about this show that you need to draw that tiny girl with tits? Why is the internet like this? I need more tequila. Dust and Glass by Motorhead is only 3 minutes long and that’s a sin. Anyone notice that Canada imported some really shitty cartoons? Like 6Teen, oh my god 6Teen was bad, the only thing that studio released that was palatable was Total Drama Island, I liked Stoked in my surf craze days (I still like surf rock, sue me) but holy shit it makes no sense. Who surfs in northern Atlantic seas?

I’m off to get more tequila.

68. Wattpad and racial fiction- as written by /POL/

Warning: If you get your titties in a twist about hearing any critique about pandering, racial pandering, or me making jokes at the expense of poor lifestyles (fatties), then you’ll probably be offended by the rest of my blog too. I don’t get squirmy about these things or making offensive jokes.

 

It’s been far too long since I’ve done a Wattpad romance, so I think I’ll torture myself on this fine day. There are so many diverse (asinine) tags, like Black Love, Black Woman White Man, Interracial, Love, yes love is a popular tag. The rest could all probably fit in one category, but this is Wattpad, Tumblr’s equally retarded cousin. Also, I’m waiting on my tag “Jewish Shiddach Arranged Marriage Forced by God and our Parents to Love” to take off.

I decided to go BWWM to see what was so edgy and new that it needed a separate category from romance, and well, nothing. The first recommended story is another CEO/Assistant romance, except with a Jewish businessman (I assume, the guy’s name is Asher), and an opinionated and strong willed black woman who don’t need no man and single mother. Because /POL/ is making these characters, right? Seriously, stereotypes.

The next story is another CEO story. The girl (with a stupidly spelled name) becomes homeless and has to take a job with a mean CEO. Seriously, who’s writing these black girls?

The third story is, wait for it, another CEO story! Except the girl is a maid this time. Damn black characters, stealing the stereotypes from Latina, oops I mean latinx (gotta be inclusive with a gendered language) characters!

The fourth story takes a break from the CEO fantasies and is instead a fattie fantasy. We got some fat bitch who finds herself a chubby chaser, except instead of being the usual creeps they are, she gets herself a fit, sexy man, the unicorn of chubby chasers.

The fifth story I think is about some guy falling in love with his slave. Is this a real fantasy people have? Like the Thomas Jefferson kind?

The sixth story is about a metalhead that stalks this black girl when he normally stays away from her “kind,” (way to make metalheads look bad,) and these stories are pretty fucking weird. Like what if I wrote a story about a Jewish banker that was fucking his Mexican maid, that would be pretty fucking weird. That’s how some of these are making me feel.

The fifth story, His Village Girl, in specific is doing that. Reading the first chapter is unsettling. We follow an eighteen year old girl who is shunned by her village as a witch, and they all seem to abuse her for it. Then she’s sold into slavery, and like I said, falls in love with her master. This isn’t even pandering, this is just some odd fantasy that somehow got popular. I mean, at least I credit it with being somewhat original? Wattpad unsettles me.

I’ve criticized pandering in writing before, and race is awfully tough to write about. You either slap it into a cliché like the CEO stories, the sin there is the cliché, you get something that cleverly talks about it, like Zootopia, you get pandering like MTV and the chubby chaser story, or you just get something weird, like the slave story.

Where am I going with this blog post? Nowhere really, I just wanted to point out another weir subsection on Wattpad.

67. xXx – Sadly not a Porno, but it’s almost One

I haven’t made a post in about two weeks or so, I’m not actually sure, I’ve lost track of time. I finished school recently, so with most “content” creators, they say they’ll be updating more often. Yeah, not me. I’m going to be aiming for one post a week, rather than two, so I can focus more on a single post. That and I’ve been doing nothing but playing New Vegas and Assassin’s Creed for the last two weeks, vacation and all.

 

Anyway, last weekend I was given a choice, watch Split with my family, or watch xXx: Return of Xander Cage. I wasn’t in the mood for the cinematic/mental masturbation sessions of Shyamalan, so I chose Triple X, and while I don’t regret it, let me tell you how shitty that movie is.

Normally when I think dick flicks, I think of Fight Club, but from now on I will think only of Triple X. Triple X was a Mountain Dew sponsorship short of being Call of Duty levels of pandering. Now, let’s get this out of the way. I am a guy. I’m not the manliest guy. I’m not tall, muscular, or have sick facial hair. I look like the kind of guy that would run this blog. However, I don’t have any fantasies that need be fulfilled by an hour and a half of absurd action, awful dialogue, and the most pointless, annoying characters I’d seen in a while. I wouldn’t be surprised if the writers were jerking off and chugging Monster while working on this. There was less wish fulfillment in the Salma Hayek scene of Dusk to Dawn than in this movie.

My first problem was Vin Diesel. He’s a horrible actor and he wouldn’t stop slurring. You’re not Stallone, and you shouldn’t be drunk on set. Speak the fuck up! Enunciate!

Vin Diesel’s character was utterly unlikeable because he wasn’t a character. He was just something. Like, there’s this scene where he’s flirting with a hacker and she won’t fuck him, so she has her eight underlings do it, and it had nothing to do with the plot. It was just there to sell it to edgy fourteen year olds. He does things that are absolutely pointless in an attempt to be badass, and it fails so badly. His action scenes are pants-on-head retarded. In the first ten minutes, he jumps off of a radio tower on a pair of skis, only to skateboard down a mountain. Then he fucks some random woman just because we need to set the anti-tone of the movie.

Later on, he’s chasing Donnie Yen and they fall off an easily 50 foot bridge onto trucks going 60 MPH, none of them break anything, even when they fall off the trucks.

My next problem is the antagonists (whose twist is spoiled by their entrance.) You can tell they’re Triple X by the first bit of the movie, and that the woman is going to be the villain at the end. With the unsurvivable stunts they pull, like jumping off a 70 foot drop through three inches of safety glass (a great way to break your legs and spine), only to have Donnie Yen Ip-Man his way through a group of government officials. Then we get introduced to the most annoying character of the movie, screaming Chinese guy with dyed hair (I think his name was Talon), now screaming Chinese dude got about ten lines, and that was ten lines too many. He shouldn’t have been in this.

The second most annoying was ghetto Chinese dude, whose name I don’t even remember. His whole job was to be the D.J. when the good guys reached the evil party island (where Vin Diesl breaks an assault rifle over his knee because BADASS), and he had even fewer lines. Still too many.

The third most annoying was Vague Sexuality von “I Wear Glasses because I’m the Nerdy but Pretty Girl,” who wouldn’t shut the fuck up and should have gotten shot in the end. She was only there to have someone fangirl over Xander and flirt with him.

Finally, Ruby Rose is my waifu made to cater to guys who only play Call of Duty, like alt girls, and like to see pretty girls with guns. Thankfully for me, I only meet the second and third categories.

I would critique the plot but there isn’t one, in the slightest. The antagonist is someone we never meet (there’s like five antagonists,) who’s dropping satellites like bombs with this weird device, and he’s using it because the governments of the world are violating civil liberties, so he’s killing civilians. Makes sense.

Fucking movie makes libertarians look bad.

The movie also had poor timing and too many fucking characters. Not much else I can about the movie itself.

I once heard a story that I can’t actually find a source for, but it went that James Bond started because Ian Fleming was nervous on his wedding night and he wanted an escape from it. He wanted to write a womanizing, suave, adventurous secret agent. Now, what I’m finding supports none of this, but I’m sharing this anecdote to show that James Bond is a male fantasy. The Man With No Name, Dirty Harry, Rocky, The Terminator, Robocop, those were made as male fantasies, just like Sex and the City and books with Fabio on the cover are female fantasies. Nothing wrong with having a goal and a demographic, but xXx runs with it so hard, and absolutely butchers it by being the most trite, boring, insulting, and absurd movies that I’ve seen in a long while.

66. Jimmy Carr

Dark humor makes you toe the line between jokes that make us realize how fucked up we are, and an edgy fourteen year old trying too hard to be offensive. If you tell a holocaust joke, you risk making yourself sound like your average /pol/ user. Plenty of comedians have used dark humor in their lifetimes; Carlin, Bruce, Pryor, Hicks, Black, Burr, C.K., Gervais, but most notably, Carr.

Jimmy Carr is a British comedian that is known for insulting hecklers and telling edgy jokes. Now I’ll admit, he makes me laugh, but it also makes me uneasy to admit that. Something about his comedy tells me that I should consider it purely edgy and of no merit, my standards of dark humor should be higher, but it doesn’t matter, apparently. The jokes are tasteless, or are they? They’re the kind of jokes that appear in askReddit threads, right? Am I not?

He’s clever, I’ll give him that. He did tell an offensive joke that didn’t say much actually offensive.

“They say there’s safety in numbers. Yeah, tell that to six million Jews.”

And he touted on stage about that one, and he wasn’t wrong. I like him, I like his comedy, but something about him is telling me that I shouldn’t. Maybe it’s his face, that cheeky look he always has. Or it’s the jokes that belong in a schoolyard. Or the very obviously staged hecklers oftentimes. I can’t pinpoint, perhaps it’s all of the above. Most likely it is. But even if I recognize all of those things, he’s still funny to me, and though it comes off as slightly shameful, it’s the truth.

65. Bad Stand-Up Comedians

I’m not a stand-up comedian, not yet at least. Or likely ever, but wouldn’t it be nice? Well, I’m no stand-up comedian, but I am a writer, and much to some people’s dismay, stand-up actually requires you write your routines before you go up and do them, not improvise. Shocking, I know. My point in this is you have to both be funny and a good writer to do stand-up. If you can’t write but you’re funny, go be an actor or something, I don’t fucking know.

Donald Glover is sort of a good example for this. He’s a great actor and a funny dude, but if you watch his stand-up comedy, oh lord is it boring. Which is strange, because his raps can be quite witty, but put him on stage and ask him to speak and he seems to break down.

Then there are comedians who can’t write and aren’t funny, like Trevor Noah. Or Samantha Bee. Or Amy Schumer. Or Daniel Tosh. Most of these unfunny ones get their own shows, but it’s really bad when they’re political. Oh hey, you weren’t a good writer to begin with, and you couldn’t do funny for your life. I’m sure you can do cutting edge political humor or satire for millions of dollars an episode, right? Wrong? Well, who cares. Kids will laugh at anything these days. Family Guy is still on air, right? Trevor Noah could definitely go choke on a dick, though. Jon Stewart was a million times better.

Comedy Central isn’t very comedic, however. Unless you’re looking at their roster, that shit is hilariously bad. It’s unfunny show after unfunny stand-up comedian, after unfunny movie aimed at stoners. They’re also the ones that keep giving these people money, so fuck Comedy Central.

Stop giving these people money, they don’t deserve their fame. It baffles me how anyone can tolerate bad stand-up, it’s like listening to your friend tell shitty jokes for an hour and a half. It’s also baffling how there are people who are funny, but flop when they get on stage.

Then there’s Aziz Ansari. Fuck him. Sure, he’s not as bad as Amy Schumer, but my sister compared me to him the other day and I’m still pissed about that one.

Next Up: Edgy stand-up comedians, also known as my ambivalence to Jimmy Carr

64. Kotick Chronicles – Cut Short and I don’t Care

It’s not often I find myself calling something surreal. I often write humor using an absurd premise and non-sequitur, usually a poor attempt after being inspired by Monty Python. I don’t often call things surreal because I don’t have a penchant for fine arts, and I can’t tell you renaissance from baroque, or why people consider Picasso a good artist. All I can tell you about the surreal is that Dali was part of the movement, and I can give you the dictionary definition.

Surrealism: a style of art and literature developed principally in the 20th century, stressing the subconscious or non-rational significance of imagery arrived at by automatism or the exploitation of chance effects, unexpected juxtapositions, etc. (dictionary.com)

What I can tell you is that when I do find something surreal, it means it’s had a truly unusual effect on my simpleton mind. Something was so truly weird or unsettling when juxtaposed with reality, that it had an effect, causing me to classify it as surreal.

When you mix horror with surreal, then it has a truly creepy effect. Junji Ito is a man that comes to mind, as he’s inspired by the eldritch concepts that plagued Lovecraft’s mind. Normal settings that quickly go awry with that hint of Japanese style horror, the kind that goes the extra mile past American slashers. How I’d describe what I’m writing about today, however, is a crappy, 4Chan Junji Ito with a religious flair. The Kotick Chronicles is an anomaly of web comics to me. It’s got crappy art, mixed with a surreal religious story of a boy, who shares a name with a bigwig at Blizzard, that dies and comes back from heaven. As far as I know, it’s an incomplete comic, and I’d rather it stay that way.

I found this about a year or two back, originally, either on /b/ or Reddit, and was intrigued by the weird panel I saw. So I searched it out, and found a Reddit post that had a 56 page album for this.

Bobby, the protagonist, is taken to his older friend’s house, and we’re not really explained as to how they know each other, or why, just that his friend is creepy, and a crappy tool for foreshadowing. Kotick then inexplicably dies, bleeding out for whatever reason, he wakes up in a vast emptiness, only to meet the edgy scribble of a 14 year old trying to make an album cover for Tool the poorly drawn gateway to any realm. This gateway informs him that he is in heaven, but due to its infinite size, it is unlikely that he’ll ever meet another soul in there. It’s at this point you find yourself getting bored with the writer’s religious/nihilistic musings, and I found myself unimpressed, there’s a concept here that could work, but it falls flat. The art is also absolute crap in general, but this gateway being is just so poorly drawn, poorly attempted, and looks like something my older sister drew in her goth phase. You know, back when hot topic was for a different kind of social outcast.

The party finds him dead and dumps him in an alleyway, where he wakes up after eating metaphysical demon caviar, and a homeless man somehow knows he came back from the dead. So does the redneck that took him to the party. The redneck, who after about 60 pages we finally learn his name is Blake, knows what Kotick saw, and knows it wasn’t right. So he wants to build heaven on earth, and it’s over. It ends there. Page 62 of the comic, there’s nothing more. It stops there. If I cared more about the story, I’d search it out, try to find something else, but this is who the story sucks. I don’t give a flying fuck how it ends. It failed to entrance me.

I wasn’t unsettled by its content, like I would be reading Ito, I’m unsettled by the emptiness of it. Everything is black and white and poorly drawn, the writer doesn’t put any effort into making a unique setting, so it feels empty. My mind isn’t simulated, it’s like staring at a blank wall. That’s why it’s surreal to me, it’s like reading a comic in a dream, rather than in reality.

63. Jack – I Feel Bad for Writing About This One

Preface: I feel like no one should actually read this review. I feel dirty after it.

I’m not an artist. I mean, technically I am, writing is an art, even if it isn’t very artistic writing, but I’m not an artist. I can’t draw for shit. Maybe if I practiced more, but writing is easier for me. I applaud anyone who can draw, and I especially applaud anyone who can draw and write. I have immense respect for anyone who makes a comic on their own, because it’s hard work, and takes balls to post, but when it’s crap, well, I don’t despise the author, unless it’s a blatantly bad and lazy comic (Ctrl+Alt+Del), holds crappy, backwards ass messages (Dumbing of Age), or has furries in it.

Webcomics are probably the ultimate form of crappy self-publishing, writing is a hard field, comics are a hard field, but for every good comic you find, there’s ten bad ones, if I’m  being generous with my made up statistics. So I took a little stroll through the bad comic wiki, which is almost as addicting as TVtropes, and I picked a furry comic, of course. Why wouldn’t I?

Jack.

“This comic is an atomic bomb. It will destroy anything and anybody that touches, reads, or looks at it. This comic is an example of the downfall of civilization, leaving a trail of nothing but destruction, deformed mutations and cancer in its wake. Pray you, avoid it.” –Badwebcomicswiki, they’re making it sound like my kind of comic.

I’ve read My Immortal and Sonic High School, sat through the Pain Olympics, watched The Room, and eaten bland Brussel Sprouts, I can do this.

One page in and we already start fucked up, as we’re shown a fetus thinking. Thankfully I was scarred as a child by those comics the Invader Zim writer made, so this is just making me laugh. Also, this is colored with colored pencils, and this guy can’t write, something I expected from someone who makes horror, gory, furry porn comics.

So the fetus is named “Fnar,” and he’s a stillborn. Jack, the titular character, is a green canidae type furry, who is the Grim Reaper I guess? Well, Fnar’s mom is in hell, and he’s going to live with her.

That was just the first arc, the next one starts with a Columbine-esque furry, who goes to shoot up the school. It was at this point where I questioned my own sanity, and then continued reading. So, I was told there would be gore, but something about colored pencils just doesn’t do it for me. Oh yeah and this school shooter is wearing a Korn shirt. Well, his reign of terror gets put to an end by some purple rabbit that’s called the “NRA Preacher.” Side note, people in this comic are referred to as “fur” and “some fur.” And then he gets dragged to hell, and I’m not even going to describe this.

So, honestly, if you have a weak stomach this really isn’t the comic for you, like at all. If you have an aversion to furries, religion, gore, or have common sense, this isn’t for you. If you love yourself, stay away. But I haven’t cared much about reading or seeing fucked up shit, this was just boring for me. Boring and weird, oh so very weird.

This was a venture into the psyche of someone who is in need of severe psychiatric help, because it’s one thing to read these comics, but it’s another thing entirely to write and draw them. For your own good, dear readers, stay the hell away from this.

62. Marvel Movies are Meh

Marvel movies are going downhill, and that’s because they’ve got comfortable. They don’t really care about us anymore, because we like them so much. They did Iron Man right, they did Avengers right, they did Guardians of the Galaxy right, but what else have they done that was actually good? Well, Winter Soldier, but that was rare. Name another good Captain America movie? I’ll wait. Pro tip, you can’t. Those movies are crap. Thor movies? Crap. Age of Ultron? Crap. Hulk? Don’t make me laugh. Deadpool? Eh, it was alright. I had fun watching it.

Marvel just comfortable they’ve decided we’re toilet paper with money instead of customers. They can pull whatever shit they want because they know that they’re not DC, and we’ll watch their movies. At least they’re enjoyable unlike DC movies. DC movies are just pure shit. Arrow too, I fucking hate Arrow.

I mean what the hell was going on in Civil War? The plot was buttfuck stupid, Baron Zemo did nothing, that cinematography gave me a goddamned headache, and I didn’t empathize with any characters, except for those car scenes with Bucky and Falcon. Guardians of the Galaxy 2 didn’t have a plot. Doctor Strange was like watching House M.D. on acid. Are you going to tell me that these are cinematic masterpieces, or cheap enjoyment for two hours? Yeah, we all know why you go see Marvel movies. You want to watch thirteen dollar, softcore, gay porn of guys named Chris and shitty couples. That’s why. I don’t buy it.

61. Movie Adaptations: I’m Slightly Upset About Them but not Really

Can we stop turning comics and books into movies? Just, please? They work so much better as TV shows, and you see it happening slightly, but there’s still more movie adaptations than anything else. It’s a cheap cash grab, even though no one likes going to the movies. You spend a couple million and receive more in return, ideally, unless your movie is absolute shit, and you start tarnishing the name of your studio.

I’d say the biggest problem is that books and comics have these things called stories, and stories take a while to finish because they involve character development. Trying to adapt that to two hours will usually fail, because two hours is nothing. If you devote an entire season, you actually get people attached. Just look at GoT if you need an example of that. Now, this isn’t to say that you can’t have compelling characters in a movie, but you’re more likely to see an original story succeed for that rather than an adaptation. Or, if it’s an adaptation, the writers are making their own plot, rather than vaguely copying several arcs of a comic or book series and throw them together. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Marvel and D.C., go fuck yourselves. D.C. can double fuck themselves, because at least Marvel movies are entertaining. Christopher Nolan was the best thing to happen to you. And it took him three movies to develop a character. And the third one sucked.

That’s what I call a tangent.

One of my favorite movies is Kingsman: The Secret Service. It’s a graphic novel adaptation made by someone who can actually adapt graphic novels, but upon seeing the trailer for the sequel, I was left thinking “Why milk it like this?” The movie was good, Mathew Vaughn is good, but if he just makes this a sequel machine, wouldn’t it be better to devote hours upon hours of screen time to do the plot justice? Or how much better it would be to actually see a superhero fail and train harder, watch them actually lose something, and then overcome it, rather than watch it get condensed to two hours? I think it would be, but I forgot that there’s no artistic integrity in all of Hollywood, money makes the world go round, and the Rothschild rule everything.

Wait, this isn’t Alex Jones’ show, scratch out that last one.

60. Absurdist Turd Monger

Fuck Wes Anderson. Fuck, Wes Anderon. Fuck Wes Anderson. Anderson, Wes Anderson, fuck him. He’s not Wes Craven, like I used to think, he’s just some pretentious fucker that treats actors like dolls for his weird movies. I think they’re considered comedies, but I don’t find myself laughing at them. Unless we’re laughing at how bad they are. Only I laugh at how bad they are. Every other hipster praises them for being quirky. Fuck your quirks. I do absurdist humor and your shit isn’t absurdist. It’s more like uncanny valley. These actors don’t look real, and don’t talk like real people.

If you asked aliens to make a documentary about humans, and gave them half a week to write it, you’d get a Wes Anderson movie. A year later, I’m still pissed at Moonrise Kingdom. Even the name stupid. You’re stupid Wes Anderson. “Oh look at me, I’m a boyscout in the 50s, but I don’t like it. Bruce Willis is fucking my mom, and he looks like a dork. That’s funny, right? My troop leader that unintentionally looks like a pedophile is so quirky. I’m so quirky. My friends are quirky but I don’t have friends because it’s that kind of movie. We all talk like we’re not human.” Fuck you, Wes Anderson. Except the Fantastic Mister Fox. I want to watch that one, because even a blind dog finds a fucking bone, now don’t they Wes? Throw your shit at a wall enough times, like the typewriting monkey you are, and it’ll stick, won’t it Wes? MAKE ENOUGH MOVIES AND ONE WILL BE WATCHABLE, WON’T IT, WES?

Um, that’s all I guess. There was no point to this.