67. xXx – Sadly not a Porno, but it’s almost One

I haven’t made a post in about two weeks or so, I’m not actually sure, I’ve lost track of time. I finished school recently, so with most “content” creators, they say they’ll be updating more often. Yeah, not me. I’m going to be aiming for one post a week, rather than two, so I can focus more on a single post. That and I’ve been doing nothing but playing New Vegas and Assassin’s Creed for the last two weeks, vacation and all.

 

Anyway, last weekend I was given a choice, watch Split with my family, or watch xXx: Return of Xander Cage. I wasn’t in the mood for the cinematic/mental masturbation sessions of Shyamalan, so I chose Triple X, and while I don’t regret it, let me tell you how shitty that movie is.

Normally when I think dick flicks, I think of Fight Club, but from now on I will think only of Triple X. Triple X was a Mountain Dew sponsorship short of being Call of Duty levels of pandering. Now, let’s get this out of the way. I am a guy. I’m not the manliest guy. I’m not tall, muscular, or have sick facial hair. I look like the kind of guy that would run this blog. However, I don’t have any fantasies that need be fulfilled by an hour and a half of absurd action, awful dialogue, and the most pointless, annoying characters I’d seen in a while. I wouldn’t be surprised if the writers were jerking off and chugging Monster while working on this. There was less wish fulfillment in the Salma Hayek scene of Dusk to Dawn than in this movie.

My first problem was Vin Diesel. He’s a horrible actor and he wouldn’t stop slurring. You’re not Stallone, and you shouldn’t be drunk on set. Speak the fuck up! Enunciate!

Vin Diesel’s character was utterly unlikeable because he wasn’t a character. He was just something. Like, there’s this scene where he’s flirting with a hacker and she won’t fuck him, so she has her eight underlings do it, and it had nothing to do with the plot. It was just there to sell it to edgy fourteen year olds. He does things that are absolutely pointless in an attempt to be badass, and it fails so badly. His action scenes are pants-on-head retarded. In the first ten minutes, he jumps off of a radio tower on a pair of skis, only to skateboard down a mountain. Then he fucks some random woman just because we need to set the anti-tone of the movie.

Later on, he’s chasing Donnie Yen and they fall off an easily 50 foot bridge onto trucks going 60 MPH, none of them break anything, even when they fall off the trucks.

My next problem is the antagonists (whose twist is spoiled by their entrance.) You can tell they’re Triple X by the first bit of the movie, and that the woman is going to be the villain at the end. With the unsurvivable stunts they pull, like jumping off a 70 foot drop through three inches of safety glass (a great way to break your legs and spine), only to have Donnie Yen Ip-Man his way through a group of government officials. Then we get introduced to the most annoying character of the movie, screaming Chinese guy with dyed hair (I think his name was Talon), now screaming Chinese dude got about ten lines, and that was ten lines too many. He shouldn’t have been in this.

The second most annoying was ghetto Chinese dude, whose name I don’t even remember. His whole job was to be the D.J. when the good guys reached the evil party island (where Vin Diesl breaks an assault rifle over his knee because BADASS), and he had even fewer lines. Still too many.

The third most annoying was Vague Sexuality von “I Wear Glasses because I’m the Nerdy but Pretty Girl,” who wouldn’t shut the fuck up and should have gotten shot in the end. She was only there to have someone fangirl over Xander and flirt with him.

Finally, Ruby Rose is my waifu made to cater to guys who only play Call of Duty, like alt girls, and like to see pretty girls with guns. Thankfully for me, I only meet the second and third categories.

I would critique the plot but there isn’t one, in the slightest. The antagonist is someone we never meet (there’s like five antagonists,) who’s dropping satellites like bombs with this weird device, and he’s using it because the governments of the world are violating civil liberties, so he’s killing civilians. Makes sense.

Fucking movie makes libertarians look bad.

The movie also had poor timing and too many fucking characters. Not much else I can about the movie itself.

I once heard a story that I can’t actually find a source for, but it went that James Bond started because Ian Fleming was nervous on his wedding night and he wanted an escape from it. He wanted to write a womanizing, suave, adventurous secret agent. Now, what I’m finding supports none of this, but I’m sharing this anecdote to show that James Bond is a male fantasy. The Man With No Name, Dirty Harry, Rocky, The Terminator, Robocop, those were made as male fantasies, just like Sex and the City and books with Fabio on the cover are female fantasies. Nothing wrong with having a goal and a demographic, but xXx runs with it so hard, and absolutely butchers it by being the most trite, boring, insulting, and absurd movies that I’ve seen in a long while.

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