59. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2- An Utterly Enjoyable Clusterfuck

            Guardians of the Galaxy got a sequel, and I didn’t know it came out until my friend reminded me. I think that can sum up my viewing experience for it.

So this week I’ll be a movie reviewer because it’s not like there’s enough of those already. Although it’s mostly because I don’t actually have the time to read anything shitty this week, and I just saw Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 today. Now, I have a lot of thoughts and none at all about this movie. At the same time.

The movie is a cluster fuck, almost like Suicide Squad, but worse. Nothing happens in the movie until the final act, and you don’t know who the villains are until the final act. The CGI was subpar, I guess Marvel was still recovering from Doctor Strange budget wise. Though it was basically all CGI, so there was no money for character design; we got a whole race of people that look like they belonged in Austin Powers rather than a Marvel movie. They were literally just painted gold, and made no sense. This movie went more for the “cool factor” rather than the practical factor, which is excusable for a cheesy sci-fi/super hero movie, but it went overboard here. These gold fucks had these odd spaceships that acted like video games, but their faces were displayed on them for no reason, and they go full Jihadi with them at certain points. They also all speak in British accents, because the unspoken rules of sci-fi are as follows: Everyone must dress like an 80s reject, everyone must speak perfect English in an American, British, or vaguely Ethnic accents (there are no French aliens,) and we have to assume dogfights can actually happen in space. These gold people were named The Sovereign, which made me think of The Venture Bros., and made me wish I was binging that. But my Netflix is expired and I’m cheap.

Seriously, we don’t know who the villain is until the end of the movie. At first it’s the gold people, then it’s Yondu, then the blue chick, then it’s the gold people again, then it’s Kurt Russel, then it’s the gold people and Kurt Russel. Kurt Russel’s character didn’t have a clear motivation, he just hates life. I don’t blame him, but there’s no motive. Maybe he found someone’s Starlord x Rocket fan fiction.

A lot of the comedy fell flat, and the funny jokes were funny by a margin. This movie didn’t take itself seriously at all. Which is a bad thing. The original GoG took itself somewhat seriously, which grounded it. This movie couldn’t decide whether it wanted to be a comedy, ci-fi, drama, dramedy, romance, action, adventure, fantasy, it switched so often. At least it had more color than Suicide Squad.

This movie was enjoyable, but unfulfilling. The writers just didn’t care, and made a movie with no plot. Nothing was cohesive, and there was no real connection between anything. Also there was a random Sylvester Stallone appearance, which didn’t need to happen. Neither did five after credits scenes. I’d watch it again because it was mindless entertainment, but I will never understand this movie. They tried to make it the Dead by Dawn to its Evil Dead, but they failed. Oh well, it’s a Marvel movie anyway, no one cares about quality, or Civil War wouldn’t have happened.

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