As of writing this, I am officially done with one week’s worth of poems, so still not dead. Let’s see if I can survive poetry month. Not because of the poems I’m writing, but because of the ones I’m reading.
Did you know Wattpad, my mortal enemy, has a poetry section? I didn’t. I’m not surprised, and I’m not even disappointed, I’m just saddened by the fact. I also found out that Milk and Honey is published on there, by someone who’s not the author which I can only imagine is illegal, but hey, this is Wattpad, who gives a fuck? Not me, Milk and Honey can rot in hell.
Now, I’ve chosen two collections from there, and I’ll choose a few poems from each to make fun of. Fucking collections, one of these has over 100 poems in it. Do these asses actually fancy themselves Shakespeare? Because it seems they do. The three collections are: Letters to No One by Sissystuff (so these are written by a trap?) and Unsent Letters by Kyotski. I will give all three of these people credit, bcause they’ve gone a step above and beyond Tumblr poets by not using initials as their pseudonyms.
Duo is a poem in Letters to No One which fails in its first three lines. It’s a rhyming poem, yet it fails in rhyming, there’s no form: we start with a three line stanza, but then it’s two lines stanza until somewhere near the end where it switches up, and the last stanza is a single line that rhymes with no other lines. The rhyming is a joke, because some stanzas don’t even end up rhyming. Some bad couplets are: growing and mourning; open and serpent; twice and tries; a triplet of time, kind, and mind (mind was used in a couplet before and time in a couplet after); tell and time; dine, sign, and mimes; laughing and humming; end and hand; and finally, just checkmate. I just realized that those were most of the couplets in the poem. The poem doesn’t tell a story so I can only assume it’s a lyric poem, but it actually fails at that too, because it’s too nonsensical, a lot of the “poetic” images don’t make sense. You can subvert a metaphor or simile to make it unique or make the reader think (I can rhyme better than her,) but somethings make no sense whatsoever. “desert of dying river sails” make’s as much sense as a “fire made of water.” I’ve read this single poem too many times, and I can’t piece it together, the title doesn’t help me understand, the only thing I can think of is it’s about heartbreak, but not even that is clear. “You draw curtains of potent demise/has your wise one left? All covered in lies?” These lines hurt my brain to think about, and I’m physically cringing reading this. Also, when you want to rhyme, -ing doesn’t always go with –ing. Foresting and walking can’t be using in a poem, hiking and walking can. It’s also about the flow. Can I go back to Tumblr?
I skipped ahead to Novem, the ninth poem, and I nearly laughed aloud. It’s literally two lines. “Don’t wait until you become weak and vulnerable/walk away while you’re strong.” Did you fucking become Lao-tzu out of nowhere? That’s not a goddamned poem, it’s two lines so there’s no substance, and you’ve got no poetic language. You failed because you didn’t even try.
Unsent Letters is made up of 175 six line “poems” written like letters. They all start with “Dear X” and end with “Your friend/regards/some-other-ending Y.”
Each one is titled “Letter” and their number.
Letter 11 shows a complete lack of poetic language, and six lines is plenty of time to throw in at least one thing that’s poetic. “You set me off free./Into the wind and off to the skies./But you stayed there waiting for me to return./Which I never did.” It’s so boring and generic that I could buy this fucking poem at Wal-Mart.
Letter 69 is not sexual in the slightest, which is a giant let down. I guess laughter is something foreign to this “poet.” “Speck of freedom to you was./Not having me around hoping./That we will stay the same forever./When all you wanted was change.” No rhymes (thank god,) no imagery, no poetic language, and every line ends with a period, meaning there’s no flow, even though that’s what was intended. This falls flat on every front.
Letter 132 is another lost love poem. If I make a drinking game out of this, then I can put myself out of my misery via alcohol poisoning. “We grew up together./And all I had was you./But you had the world in your hands./Now I have the world./But not you.” What? When did this happen? Why don’t you have them? When did you switch holding the world? Why do you use periods on every line? Unsent Letters isn’t even laughably bad. I’m sad now.
These poems are horrible, no redeeming qualities about them. They’re not poetic, endearing, they don’t subvert tropes or tackle issues, there’s nothing interesting about them, yet here we are. Both of these were in the top 10, with Letters for No One being #1 at a time, with 916,000 reads, while Unsent Letters has 114,000 reads. Most poets die before they get recognition for amazing poetry, but these schmucks on Wattpad are bringing nothing new or good to the table, and encapsulating the masses. I’ll call it the Milk and Honey effect, be as generic and non-poetic as you can be, and your poetry will make it big with the youth market, because all that matters is edge and romance.