So what can be said about The Girl He Never Noticed? Quite a bit actually, and none of it is good. A few things are missing, you know, nothing important; just exposition, an understanding of people, realistic dialogue, descriptive writing, all that useless shit.
Now, one thing I will give it is that it doesn’t hurt to read because the words are misspelled. It hurts to read because some parts are painfully boring, while the others are laughably bad. The piece is beyond amateur.
Facts are thrown at us like stones at a sinner, and it all becomes far too much to process at once. In the first chapter alone, we learn about each character in far too much detail, and the lack of exposition feels like a punch in the gut. Why do I need to know about the coffee shop owners sleeping habits? The employees being lovers and bullies to the main character? The main character’s dead father? How come I don’t know about why the girl wears a wig, if everything else is going to be told to me? Was this supposed to be that cliché where they just take the glasses off of her, and fix her hair, and then she’s suddenly beautiful, à la Not another Teen Movie? Just to make it even better, she also loves another guy in parts of the story, the first love, the really beautiful guy that didn’t notice her. I hate this shit.
This writer obviously has no clue how exposition works, or how people act. Writing as another gender is an incredibly hard thing for a writer to do, because we don’t know how they act as well as we know how our gender acts. Don’t be discouraged from trying, but don’t publish the piece online if you fail. And this girl failed horribly. Eros, a horrible name for your sexy male character, and unoriginal, she should’ve just called him Cupid McLovesalot, reads like a girl trying to act like a boy. His dialogue, and his narration don’t read like a playboy. And in his part as well, we’re told his and his friend’s whole life story, instead of having it eased on us throughout the story.
We get a flashback from him where the writer also shows that she doesn’t know how fighting works. In fact, she also doesn’t know how parties work.
“I drank too much alcohol last night.” Sounds like a robot. “I drank too much last night,” “I got shitfaced last night,” “I got wasted last night,” and more, that’s what someone would say.
“I was shocked how she often brought me to the edge of ecstasy. She knew how to turn a man on, the pleasure points that drove a man crazy.” Okay, no, that’s not how any human speaks, let alone any guy. The edge of ecstasy? What the fuck? Pleasure points? Are you a fucking robot?
“He showed me how to kick, punch and practice self-defense.” Ah yes, I love going to the gymnasium facility and practicing my self-defense.
“He saw me getting so drunk in the bar with my friends, tried a drug, did meaningless sex with someone, going to strip clubs, etc.” Goddamn devil, making Eros try a drug and do meaningless sex.
These all came from the same chapter, which should be an indication of the quality of the rest of the story.
So the question is, does it get better? The first few chapters are always a rough start, right (unless they’re edited like they should be)? No, we keep getting the Jade’s/Eros’s POV at the start of every chapter, which is highly amateurish. They meet by literally bumping into each other. And everything gets thrown at us so quickly. Eros wants to hire her. The café owner died from a pill overdose. We learn that woman’s son is a sex offender that was never convicted, basically. It just doesn’t get better. Joseph comes back, he gets married. She agrees to “marry” Eros to impress some businessmen, but wants her own room. They go on a date, and he thought she was someone else BECAUSE SHE TOOK OF HER GLASSES AND HER WIG. I CALLED IT. And this was after two years of working with him.
So no, this story does not get better. You all know how it ends; she gets married to Eros, for real this time. They had a baby. The final chapter is prefaced with a horrible factoid.
“Do you know why the marriage ring is placed at the fourth finger from the thumb of your left hand? Because it’s the only finger that has a vein which is directly connected to our heart.” Do you really not know how veins work? Veins have blood. Our heart pumps blood. Veins go to the heart. This is so dumb. All our fingers have veins that go to the heart, are you actually retarded?
And it ends with a saccharine ending that made me cringe visibly. People asked if I was alright.
Fuck this boring ass story. Fuck this cringy ass story. Fuck this. Fuck everything.