(Disclaimer: My musical opinions are presented as facts, but they’re just opinions I pulled straight from my ass. Actually, that’s this whole blog. Don’t question my musical knowledge as it’s next to non-existent.)
As I was looking for the other Paw Patrol fanfiction, I found another edgy Paw Patrol fanfiction, because this is apparently a hot product. I should start investing in fanfiction.
So what’s the plot in this one? Well, firstly it’s a sequel to something that I’m not going to read, so I suppose I’m just depriving myself of quality literature and deep plotlines. But I’m sure in forty chapters I can figure out the plot, right? (How is it some fanfiction writer has more words in their story than I do for a novel I’ve been writing for two years?)
We start off and one of the dogs, Ryder, is already dead. This makes everyone a very sad dog. Now it gets very morbid when they discuss his dead body. Imagine puppies from a kid’s show talking about their dead friend, as he lay limp and lifeless in front of them. No seriously, this is depressing. What is wrong with this guy?
But of course, I laugh at this fucked up shit, and it only gets better when they discover Slipknot. It pulls them out of their slump, because that’s exactly what an edgy nu-metal band does. It cures your depression.
They get inspired to start a band, and oh my god, what the hell am I reading? Did a real person write this? Or was it some computer program? I wish Hal-9000 wrote this. The mood completely changes, they were just mourning their dead friend, and now out of nowhere, they’re just here, starting a band. This is baffling.
Then we basically enter a beginner’s guitar forum. We’re taught the difference between a bass and a guitar, how many pickups you should get to meet your tastes, and tones knobs. Then they want to play metal, so he gets them an amp with a switch for distortion. I swear to god, I bet he got them a Line 6, when he should’ve gotten them a distortion pedal. It sounds better. Then of course the edgy fuck that wrote this wants an ESP, specifically their edgy Flying-V rip off, and puts it in there. He didn’t go for a Squier or an Epiphone, you know, starting off with something reasonable to learn on. With a beginner, ESP is one of those brands reserved for the edgy beginner (I’m aiming to piss off as many people with this as I can, Telecaster Tele-master race.)
Then they go home and write a song, and I need a drink so badly right now. And we learn that the author is in a band. Again, how are people like this actually doing better than me? This just pisses me off.
I like my sanity, so I’m not reading all forty chapters of this, I’d rather sit bare-assed on a cactus. So I skipped ahead, they become a popular band, going on tour. They’re in Scandinavia because where else could metal possibly be popular?
I’m turning on my elitist metalhead mode on. As I write this, I’m listening to Motörhead, which is a much better band than Slipknot. If you like Slipknot, well there’s no hope for you. That’s the worst intro to metal, because it’s nu-metal. They’re as metal as Linkin Park. The guy who wrote this is as metal as a plastic water bottle. Just because you slap distortion on your Line 6 amp, and play around with your ESP doesn’t make you metal. You just sound like shit. I bet the guy who wrote this always has his volume and tone on 10. You couldn’t leave it at being a shitty writer, but you had to go and have a shitty taste in music too. I have no sympathy for you. I don’t even look like a metalhead and I’m still more of one than you, Mr. Fanfiction Schmuck. Praise Lemmy.