39. Paw Patrol

Paw Patrol (sounds like Raw Asshole) is a CGI children’s cartoon revolving around a few dogs, all with stupid catch phrases, that drive different kinds of vehicles, and save the day in minuscule ways, as you do in a kid’s cartoon. One drives a police car, another a garbage truck, and so on and so forth. I discovered one day with my friends as we were tired of playing Smash Bros all day, and it was still too early for us to go out like we had planned.

We went through channels, seeing shitty show after shitty show, and a few shitty movies. After watching that Nick Cannon rap show, we went to Nick Jr., where we decided to make fun of kid’s cartoons. Paw Patrol was perfect in this sense, as it had the stupid dialogue and plots that come with a modern toddler show. The animation was actually so bad that a character disappeared for a brief second during a running animation. They all have catch phrases for when they get into their cars, and they all rhyme, except for the garbage truck one. I think he’s slow.

I’m not reviewing a shitty kid’s show, however. That’s too low-hanging a fruit, even for me. No, what I’m going after is the Paw Patrol high school fan fiction. Yes, some weird fucker likes a kid’s show so much that they wrote a fan fiction about it (789 on Fanfiction.net actually,) and it’s fucked up.

As fan fictions go, it’s like all the other shitty ones. For example, it switches POV and we’re told when it does, but what I like that puts it above the others is that we start off with abuse, for no good reason. I believe it’s Chase, (I can’t actually remember where to find this fanfiction,) his dad throws his furry ass out the window after absolutely beating the shit out of him. It was hilarious. Then he goes into a coma, and when he comes back, the teacher announces to the whole class that Chase just got out of the hospital after being abused by his dad. Then he falls in love with his friend, and I don’t really get it.

This is a new kid’s cartoon, they’re not going after something that’s even nostalgic. These are people that are at least in middle school, watching Paw Patrol, and in some depraved manner they’re writing fan fictions about it.

Why are people like this? What do they get out of writing furry fan fiction? And what’s with this POV switching bullshit? Just write in the third person if you want to tell everyone’s story at once. Or at least don’t fucking announce it. Why am I even talking about this, this is fan fiction. Jesus Christ, it’s Monday, I haven’t read this fanfiction in months, and I’m still already done. Kill me.

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