32. Some Christmas Bullshit

Alright, so there’s this lil fucker going around who fancies himself a writer, and let me tell you, he is shit. Like, everything about him pisses me off. This guy even has the worst name, “Charlie Dickinson,” or some shit like that. I mean, what weird pseudonym is that? Dickinson? Like Emily? Get original, you fucking fanboy.

So apparently mister fanboy also liked Christmas, and he went and wrote this absolutely horrible story about it.

We start off with this guy called Ebenezer Scrooge (he also likes to rip off Disney. Fucking fan fictions.) Now Scrooge is a pretty cool guy; he’s rich, a dick to everybody, and hates Christmas. My type of guy. His business partner, this reggae singer, died a few years back, and maybe he was gay or something, but he still seems a lil bitter about this.

Well, after being a dick to his nephew and overworked employee, he goes home. It’s there where Scrooge is about to go to bed, but Bob Marley comes in and is all like “Ooh, I’m a ghost now. You’ll be too if you don’t stop being a dick and listen to these other ghostly motherfuckers that are coming tonight.”

Now here’s where the plot turns into this sci-fi bullshit we all hate so much, and he does a time travel plot. No one can write time travel. Thankfully, he doesn’t interfere with anything. It’s more like the world’s worst TV show for Scrooge.

This bitch comes around and is all like “hey, Scroogey, we’re going to the past.” And he goes with her. Then he remembers he wasn’t always a dick, until he got engaged to this girl. Then he screwed it up by being too greedy (is this Dickens guy an anti-Semite or something?)

Then Scrooge checks out the present, and the ghost shows him that he’s a salty fucker. That’s really all it is, this “stave” is super fucking weak and boring.

Then he goes to the future, and learns that he’s such a piece of shit, no one’s going to love him when he dies. He pledges to change his ways, but guess what you dumbie. You won’t give a shit when you’re dead! You’ll be dead! Fuckwad.

So Scrooge comes back, and has this super cliché, feel-good ending. Fuck this self-inset wannabe writer, making bullshit Christmas stories. I’m going to go to Wattpad and find some quality writing.

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