30. Christmas Poems

Internet poetry is bad, so what happens when you mix it with Christmas? The type of chipper and cheery attitude that makes me sick, and makes me want to kill myself in the morning. I’m not even going to call this shit bad, I’m just going to make fun of it.

“Christmas” by M.E. Miro.

“Christmas is more than a day in December” that is true. Christmas is a holiday in December.

“It’s all of those things we love to remember” I actually don’t, thank you very much.

“It’s carolers singing familiar refrains” Stalkers singing tunes that line horror movies, coming to your door in groups to torment you. How nice.

“Bright colored stockings and shiny toy trains” Christmas BDSM.

“Streamers of tinsel and glass satin balls” still sounds like Christmas BDSM.

“Laughter that rings through the house and its halls” unless you come from a: broken family, large family, small family, or not high on ecstasy/drunk off your ass.

“Christmas is more than a day in December” didn’t I just cover that, you repetitive fuckwad?

“It’s the magic and the love” Magic’s not real, you dingus.

“That we’ll always remember” unless you were touched by a mall Santa, then you’ll always remember that.

I give this poem a 6/10. It was boring, sappy, and lacked proper punctuation. Also it rhymed, so I hate it even more.

“My Christmas Tree” by Orlaith. As written in comic sans.

“O Christmas tree/I love you so/” Tree fucker “With decorations/high and low/” still no punctuation. “With bobbles all around/And bells that I found/” you just found some bells? What are bobbles? This imagery sucks. “Presents underneath/wrapped so tidy and neat/” Underneath and neat don’t rhyme. “A star on top/That I got in the Christmas shop/” Thank god I don’t live in a city where there are fucking Christmas shops. “The lights flicker/and the tinsel glitters/O Christmas tree/I love you so.” If you love the Christmas tree so much, why don’t you shove it up your sappy ass with that shitty imagery?

4/10 your poem sucks.

“Star in my Heart” by Mary E. Linton.

“Christmas is where you are…the chimes, the snow/All makes a setting for the heart aglow/” What’s snow? I live in Southern Florida? I thought Christmas was discount store lights wrapped around palm trees.

“But Christmas is more subtle than all these/Something beyond the shimmering of trees/” So it’s not palm trees with lights then. Alright, what is it?

“Something that reaches deep within the heart/to find your song, though we are far apart/” I don’t have a song. And are we far apart? Mary, when did we drift this far?

“And if you hear my voice across the years/singing the songs we both have learned through tears/” Mary, oh dear Mary come back to me! I can hear the singing! Sound is transcending the years in the fourth dimension!

“Know that it holds the faith deep planted here/” I’m agnostic.

“Nourished by your dreams and our one prayer/” I don’t pray, and my dreams are made of nonsense. They don’t nourish jack-shit.

“There must be miles between us, but a ray/ Shines through the darkness and we know the way/” Mary, you’ve touched my heart. I’ll come back to you. I can see the Jesus magic light connecting our hearts.

“For where you are the Christmas star is bright/And its Christmas in my heart tonight.” There’s a Christmas star? What shit are you talking about? Are you high? There’s only blood in your heart, you idiot. I’ve reconsidered, and we should stay separated, Mary. I can’t be with an idiot.

7/10, at least you used punctuation, but you’ve creeped me out, so 6/10. Get in there with the other Christmas creeps.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.


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