29. Lorrie’s Christmas Fantasy

It’s absolutely hilarious to me when people on Wattpad copyright their stories. Do they really think people want to steal their shitty, unoriginal ideas? Then again, this is Wattpad. I also doubt they actually went to a patent office and copyrighted something under their username “Readinbooks2” or “LanaLovely,” but I probably shouldn’t underestimate the stupidity of people.

Lorrie’s Christmas Fantasy. They say not to judge a book by its cover, but the cover of this is an incredibly buff shirtless man, wearing a Santa and Christmas lights, with the title superimposed in three different texts and colors. I knew at that point that I was in for a wild ride. Or a boring one, I’m shite at differentiating them.

Oh, and it’s erotic. It’s been too long since I did erotica.

“Meet Lorrie Tucker… A lonely young woman who just wants a lonely holiday get-a-way with some warm cookies, eggnog, and holiday music. What happens when she unintentionally wishes for a man? Will she get him? Or will she get freaked out? Read on, a short erotic story.” My prediction, both will happen, and I’ll cringe at some shitty erotica. I also bet that Lorrie is a landwhale, or her author is at least.

The first paragraph is already off. “The lights are dimmed in the cabin, the tree is up; sparkling with the beautiful angel atop of it, the fire is brewing…” Do fires brew? No they don’t, because you don’t mix fire with hot water. It doesn’t work like “a storm is brewing” either, but I’m being pedantic. The real issue is that the introduction says she wants a lonely getaway, then the author writes “It’s times like these where I wished I wasn’t so lonely. ‘Bring me a man Santa.’ I said, laughing at my own loneliness.” How can you be one paragraph in and already contradicting yourself? And this isn’t a meme shitpost on Tumblr, laughing at your own loneliness is pathetic.

It is at this point in the first chapter where I think the author was getting turned on by her ideas, and couldn’t write properly, because while the first half started out relatively error free, it slowly devolved into mistake after mistake.

A quick rundown of the first chapter goes like this: She decides to hit the Jacuzzi, and before she does, a paper falls out of a cabinet and lets her know that her wish came true. Suddenly everything starts to freeze around her, she goes to bed, and an invisible icey wish-man starts molesting her until she gives in. And he’s a “6’2”, tanned, hot, gorgeous man…” And again, she was so turned on that she couldn’t spell right, but she could censor the word nipples. She spells it n!ipples.

“‘Don’t be afraid, baby.’ The sexy no-named stranger whispered opal one my neck.” What? Opal one my neck?

“His lips linger on my neck. ‘I will only do what you ask of me, Lorrie.’ He says. I feel myself moisten to my core.” When people say they hate the word moist, I don’t get it. But now, now I do.

“Suddenly I feel my knees weaken as his long, COLD tongue licks from my collarbone.. to my neck.. To my earlobe.. Oh god!” I didn’t know Gene Simmons was doing Christmas gigs now.

“‘Do I make you nervous?’ He whispered, pulling me closer, my hard nipp1espressing at his hard chest. God, if he only knew!” It’s been a while since I read something so stupid that I started laughing.

Part 2: Mines Forever. Say what?

Originally posted by yourreactiongifs

           So, this woman writes erotica, but won’t spell any naughty words. N!pples/nipp1es, c0ck, what else? She spells “fuck” though.

We learn that the mysterious man is cousin to Jack Frost, which is stupid. Much like this story. He also continues molesting her, because he apparently can make her do what he wants without her having a say in it.

“I walk closer to the bed. ‘Come to me.’ He says, moving his finger in a ‘come here’ motion.” Repetitive, how very repetitive, “My body reacts without my permission again, and I even get on the bed! What the hell! As I get control over myself, I notice that I am straddling his waist, and he sits up.” I know a lot of girls like dominance, but I figured this would cross some lines. Oh well, there’s also rape erotica, fetishes are weird.

“He notices this, and smiles on my breast.” I, uh, what? What is this? I need an adult.

He is seriously rapey. “You are mine, Lorrie. This is meant to be just go with the flow. I am still here. You still believe.” Ah yes, you’re still here, and the girl that can’t say no because of the roofie obviously wants it. But of course our main character does want it. She gives in rather quickly. Stockholm syndrome is a hell of a drug. “H was perfection, and he wanted me. ME! I feel so beautiful, so wanted.”

Again, she won’t spell “moan,” but she’ll say the she wants him to fuck her. “I m0an into his mouth to show my appreciation. I don’t want to tell him what to do. I want him to dominate me. I want him to take me. I want him to fuck me! I want him so fucking bad! I suck his tongue in my mouth,” And this shit gets thousands of reads. “It doesn’t bother me when his cold hands grip my ass, making my core grind against his hard d!ck.” Careful with those naughty words, your parents might find out and ground you.

After a very awkward sex scene, she wants him to stay, and she becomes his forever, with an ending that confuses me more than Inception. He teleports her somewhere with him, but I’m not sure where. So I went ahead and read the bonus chapter, which I very much regret. He starts pulling shit where he disappears on her, teases her, and then she learns to disappear too. And then another weird sex scene.

This story was good for a few laughs, so that gives it an edge over some other shit I read. But it’s still bad. I don’t think this was even proofread (much like my blog posts), and it reeks of weird fantasies. I give it a 4/10, leaving me in need of a shotgun aspirin.

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