28. Christmas Love

I’m truly the happiest man on Earth when my favorite website, genre, and holiday come together and make the literary equivalent of a pained bowel movement.

Wattpad, romance, and Christmas, aka, “I hate myself so I run this blog.”

Christmas Love:

“Christmas: that’s the time you deck the halls with boughs of holly and spread joy and happiness everywhere you go… For Louise it mean that another loveless year had gone by. But despite that she loved Christmas…” Wow, I already hate Christmas, I can’t imagine celebrating it while being a lonely fuck. Also this intro already has grammatical errors, so I’m in for a wild ride. I can tell.

There’s a copyright on this story. It’s copyrighted under their username, ChristmasKisses. Is it possible to catch retard? I’m afraid it might be contagious.

Starting off, it’s in first person, because what’s a Wattpad romance if it isn’t in first person?

“Christmas lights spread through the living room. You can never have too many Christmas lights.” I beg to differ. One is already too many.

So our main character is sad. Very very sad. And I don’t mean sad as in “she is feeling sad,” which she is, I mean she makes me sad. Partially because she’s depressing, but also because the author likes Celine Dion.

She runs an inherited book store, can you spell wish fulfillment?

Now I had this prediction before reading, because I love going in with a bias. She’s probably secretly beautiful and will have someone fall for her. Well somehow she knows the last name of this rich guy who comes to her bookstore, and is an asshole to her. Then he shows up at her house as she’s decorating, because Christmas miracles. But this writer can’t stay consistent, and switches his name so many times. And what type of fucking name is Snowgrave.

But wait a second, this isn’t that rich guy. Or is it. There’s no consistency, she calls the rich asshole in her store Mr. Snowgrave, and calls this artist guy who shows up Mr. Snowgrave and Mr. Mystery. But she also introduces herself as the owner of the store to the rich guy, but then Snowgrave is asking her if she owns the store when he miraculously shows up.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING?

And she lets this random guy in and opens up about her life, because that’s how love works, right? Or murders, I can’t tell the difference. This isn’t the only inconsistency either, the tenses in first person switch from present to future quite often.

This rich guy also only gets girls that want his fortune. But guess what we learn, he’s the most eligible bachelor, yet somehow he magically ends up in this girl’s lawn, and we all know how this is going to fucking end. This is a Christmas story. She gets the guy and it’s a happy ending. What else could it be? I don’t recommend this to anyone. It’s a fucking bore, and the tense changes give me a headache.

Fuck Christmas and fuck you too, Christmaskissez, fuck you too.

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