is was here, and you know what that means: shitty holidays and holiday cash grabs. So let’s try a theme, even though I’m horrible at them, and can do fuck-all. Also fuck Christmas.
You know what’s a good Christmas movie? Die Hard. I forgot it took place on Christmas for most of it, and got to watch Bruce Willis be a badass. This works well for me because I fucking hate Christmas. I am Ebenezer Scrooge but Jewish. Ebenezer Jew.
You know what’s a bad Christmas movie? Damned near all of them. Seriously, just go on the fucking Hallmark channel and tell me the difference between all of the fucking movies they’re showing this month. It’s whiter than Mitt Romney eating cheesecake in his goddamned bathtub. It’s whiter than a KKK rally. It’s whiter than white. Holy fucking hell why do people eat up these clichéd, feel-good, Christmas abortions?
There’s always some fucking Christmas miracle going on in them, because everyone knows miracles only happen on Christmas.
I’ll write a plot right now.
1. Little Timmy has cancer.
2. Mom is divorced and can’t afford the treatment.
3. Christmas was always Timmy’s favorite holiday.
4. MAGIC CHRISTMAS BULLSHIT TIMMY DOESN’T HAVE CANCER, JESUS SAVES, MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS YOU SHITHEADS, SUPPORT OUR HOLIDAY CARD CHANNEL.
But really, whether it’s on the Hallmark Channel, ABC Family, some kids’ network, there’s always some Scrooge motherfucker that is bitter about Christmas, and then he learns the true meaning. Because the true meaning isn’t hyper-consumerism, with a dash of “this holiday was made to convert pagans two thousand years ago” on the side, and top it off with obnoxious suburbia.
But yeah, I don’t have a real piece to complain about today, I just really hate Christmas.