20. The Dealer’s Son

Wattpad Wednesdays- I like the sound of it. So far it seems like it’s going to be a thing, all I have to do is not be lazy. Maybe I’ll limit it two twice a month. Anyhoo-

Chicklit. Chick literature. Fuck chicklit, fuck it with a cactus. I hate dicklit too (fuck Fight Club and Palahniuk). All it’s meant to do is sell easy by appealing to stereotypical fantasies, usually of teenage girls or middle aged women.

Well today I have a story from Wattpad called The Dealer’s Son. This apparently won a “Watty,” which if you’re lucky enough to not know what that is, it’s like a Grammy or Hugo award for your shitty story on Wattpad.

So the story is that there’s this drug dealer who went to jail, and he wants to know his three year old son. Who even fantasizes about this? Who fantasizes about handsome criminals?

Oh wait, Han Solo, Robin Hood, Jack Sparrow, et cetera. Drug dealer doesn’t exactly fit the “lovable rogue” stereotype though. More the “I beat my wife and got arrested after my meth lab blew up.” Which upon reading the first chapter, he really does match that. Though you have to sit through the narrator describing how handsome he is, and how it always got to her.

In the first chapter, they get into a debacle when she visits, and it ends with her crying, and him getting hauled away by the guards. With her standing there crying, I get my favorite thing, odd dialogue and weird lines.

“Ignoring all the eyes on me, I blinked back tears and attempted to pull myself together when a guard on my side came over and placed a gentle hand against my shoulder.

‘You have to leave now miss.’

I nodded slowly and followed his direction to go and sign out, vowing that this would be the first and last time I visited my drug dealing baby daddy in prison.”

Eventually Cole, her baby daddy, gets out of prison, gets back in his son’s life, and it’s rocky as hell. For so many fucking chapters. But it’s okay, we get social justice! A story on Wattpad decided that it was best to cover people’s perceptions of interracial relationships. It’s so out of place, and the weird thing is that a black woman says the protagonist’s son is lucky that he didn’t come out darker.

Seriously, the social issue is thrown in there for reasons. And we get some backstory as well, which only sets up that she might still like him, but who knows or cares. She also seems to eye his muscles a lot. What was the “author” doing during this story?

So the main character goes on a few dates with a few different guys, and it gets revealed that Cole got a tattoo for the protagonist when he was eighteen. Why though? The “author” tries to play it off as “well done,” but in no case is a tattoo for somebody done well. It’s weird, especially when you break up and go to jail for a few years.

We get some pseudo-erotica, with a blowjob that lasts an undefined amount of time. Two minutes, two hours, who cares?

She calls morning wood “morning glory,” and she gives him a handjob with her ass cheeks, before they fuck.

So of course this ends with an engagement, because this was all some weird, awkward fantasy that needed more commas in the dialogue. There’s a lot of clichéd wish-fulfillment going on. Rekindling love with an ex, bad boy/lovable rogue that gets roped into being loving and caring, he changes for love, girl that makes her cheating ex prove himself, single mother, and it makes this all so boring. 35 chapters of bullshit; there’s so much else I’d have rather read.

This won an award, folks. Probably because it’s got proper spelling, so that puts it above all the other shit on Wattpad that has a similar plot.

Fuck chicklit.

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