Welcome back to my second installment of: Sonic High School. I’m going to jump right in because I want to be done with this story already.
When I left off, Tails was getting cockblocked. Chapter 12 opens up with gold already.
“It was a new day, and Sonic woke up from out of his bed and scratched his balls. He could feel the rash on his balls and it was getting worse than before. ‘A sickness still ravages my balls,’ said Sonic as he wrote it in his journal that he now had back from Tails…” –Chapter 12 It’s lines like this that make it worth it for me to read.
Sonic goes to school and gets cockblocked. Maybe asking for sex right out is a bad game plan, but it’s bound to work after enough times I suppose. Oh and we’re treated to more homophobia. There’s a play going on and apparently everyone thinks it’s “gay.” Knuckles Jr. still talks, and is a “really cool baby” who can foresee the future. I know this is a fan fiction, but having an oracle is such a cheap ploy, I mean why can this little shit even tell the future?
He foresees something bad happening that night, Sonic talks to some people, yadda yadda yadda. Sonic goes home, and we get another gem.
“When Sonic got to his home Sonic’s mom walked up to him and said, “Sonic, I went to clean your room and saw what you wrote about your gay ball problems. I am worried about your balls and fear it could be a mortal illness so I made a doctor zepointmint.”
And as it turns out, it actually is fatal. Sonic’s disease will get rid of his balls and dick, and go to his brain. If he has sex with anyone they’ll get it too, and it only comes around every million years. How spooky and tense!
Chapter 13: Shadow fucks his talking car and escapes the police.
Chapter 14: the play is revealed to be about Christmas, and I had a feeling for a while that this may be troll fiction, but around now my suspicion’s got stronger. Oh and Sonic tries to get it on in the play.
“The play eventually started, and it was just as gay as you thought it would be…Mary got a letter from an angel saying she was going to have a baby, but she did not want to have the baby at home because the King would not let babies vote, so Mary and Joseph rode bikes all the way from London to Jerusalem.”-Chapter 14 Even if it’s not a troll, this is probably a bored thirteen year old fucking around. But if this is all real, oh god.
Let’s see, a gun fight breaks out, a bomb goes off, and people die.
Chapter 15: It’s flooded with memories, Sonic’s poop, and Amy using her period as an attack against a murderer. Tails comes in and saves the day, revealing the murderer, Charmy Bee, to be a robot.
Chapter 16: Rouge and Amy get detention, Sonic becomes a babysitter, and the babies Knuckles and Knuckles Jr., who are father and son and brothers at the same time, make out.
Chapter 17: Sonic breaks into Charmy Bee’s house and is then forced to eat out the lunch lady.
“Sonic opened his mouth and chewed on the lunch lady’s vagina really hard like Pac-Man…”
Charmy is dead.
Chapter 18: Sonic punches a crocodile’s penis until he ejaculates on the floor, then throws a baby through the semen, and into the crocodile to defeat him. The crocodile was working with Al Qaeda. Sonic kills the crocodile with his diseased balls.
Chapter 19: I don’t even know what’s happening here, but Tails gets laid. He then finds a bracelet in a vagina and Amy is cheating on Sonic, whoa. I’m so in shock right now.
Chapter 20: Amy almost dies in detention, Sonic becomes black.
Chapter 21: A fortune cookie says “You will not have any friends if you are black.” Then Sonic beats the shit out of Amy and jumps off a cliff.
Chapter 22: It’s a funeral.
Chapter 23: Shadow fucks Tails’ girlfriend to get a chaos emerald to bring Sonic back to life.
“Shadow, I am drowning in the power of your penis. I am so in love.”
Chapter 24: It’s a minor flashback. Tails uses Sonic’s old guitar to make up a song, and I just can’t encapsulate the perfection of it.
“I’m doing a middle at God/ but God is not real and it is odd”
Knuckles Jr locks them in a garage.
Chapter 25: Sonic is brought back to life, Sonic finally has sex, and the story is finally over.
All in all, this was atrocious. Even if the author wasn’t serious, which I still can’t tell, this was still such a horrid piece of writing. At points, it hurt to read. It was homophobic, racist, sexist, homoerotic, had horrible spelling, a shitty plot, and odd similes. I’m never recovering from this.