This is going to be a long one, two parts in fact. It’s also going to be long on my mind, because this fan fiction is one of the worst things I’ve ever read. The writing is boring and repetitive, with a few gems of horridness trapped inside the shell of one of the worst fan bases to ever exist, Sonic the Hedgehog. Today I present, Sonic High School.
Right of the bat, we see a few issues. Namely, the writer describes every single thing the characters do, even in their dialogue.
“Sonic woke up and looked at the clock. “7:00,” it said, and Sonic screamed.
“I am late for school! I have to get to school now!” –Chapter 1 He then runs to the bus, why does Sonic, who runs at incredible speeds, need to take the bus.
The dialogue is so stiff and awkward, as I’ve come to expect. But the mixture of stiff dialogue and horrible exposition actually culminates into lines like, “‘We’re at school now,” said Trails. ‘It is time to go to class.’” In which world is this a necessary addition? No one in the real world would ever say that casually.
“‘I’m so bad,’ said Knuckles, laughing because he sat where two people could sit. Knuckles did this every day and no one bothered him, but they all knew it was against the rules of both man and God.”-Chapter 1 What? Where does God outlaw taking up two seats on the school bus?
After this nice little scene, we’re treated to Sonic’s journal being read out loud by a teacher, where we learn Sonic has problems with his balls; they’re itchy, creams make them smell bad, and he rubs his balls on stucco surfaces. Again, not a necessary addition, and no one reads journals in class beyond the fifth grade.
Thankfully this chapter blows by in the weirdest of ways, and everybody learns about Sonic’s smelly, itchy balls, so he goes home to cry.
The next chapter is opened up with Sonic pooping, and it’s so bad that the whole neighborhood can smell it. Yes, a whole paragraph is devoted to Sonic’s shit and how the neighborhood handles it.
Then we learn that out of nowhere it’s prom night, and Sonic forgot, but he still gets a limo to take him and his friend Tails. Here we’re treated to what seems to be casual racism.
“Tails hugged Sonic and said, ‘I am always here for u. The prom is tonight also.’” –Chapter 2 Yes, prom immediately made me forget my problems.
“‘The limo is broken,’ said the limo driver who looked like a person but darker colored. Sonic and Tails got out of the limo and asked the limo driver if they could fix it. ‘Nope the limo is broken eternally,’” -Chapter 2 This bit always makes me laugh, like a person but darker colored. This kid sounds like a little slave trader. And the limo is broken eternally, but it still somehow got to Sonic’s house.
Sonic and Tails get to the prom on their own, and it’s on Skull Island. Well, turns out Dr. Eggman set a trap, traps Tails, kidnaps Sonic’s girlfriend, Amy, and “looked like a fat immature gay.” (racist and homophobic, folks.)
“Eggman laughed and pointed at Sonic, ‘I kissed Amy and now you can never date her again because I am going to do sex to her tonight.’” -Chapter 2 Two chapters in and we’ve already hit rape.
In the next chapter, Sonic remembers advice about haunted houses that he learned on the wall of a Walgreen’s. They escape through hedgehog magic, get ready for school the next day, and we get a nice resolution to Sonic’s itchy balls arc. It’s just resolved, don’t ask how.
Fourth chapter, Sonic decides he should focus more on school than radical adventures, because “Sonic knew he was right because its called Sonic high school and it should be more about the high school part.”
Sonic asks everyone their plans; Tails is making an invisibility hat for a science fair, Knuckles is skipping class because he’s a bad boy, and Shadow is going to kill his parents. An average day for average people. Someone’s called a fag, we get to read about a teenager in her tiny bra, and something about mom boobs.
“‘Oh,’ said Espio. ‘Well then I am gonna kiss and sex her tonight!’ Espio was like a little boy looking at his mom’s boobs for the first time.” –Chapter 4 “Hello? Freud? Yeah, we need you right now.” What the fuck, how does this seventh grade author (actually his age) think sex works?
Well, Espio and Rouge are now going to “put the sex in her” because they are “BoyFriend and GirlFriend.” Sonic and Tails get fortune cookies, and we’re treated to “The path to glory begins at the base of your friend’s penis.” Fucking what? They end up giving Espio an invisibility hat so he can make sex in. Sonic then goes home and uses Sonic Instant Messenger to ask Amy if she wants to do sex.
Espio and Rouge do the sex, and the most hilarious erotica follows.
“Espios penis approached rouge like a plan flying down at the airport but instad of being full of business men it was full of Espio’s Creamy Italian salad dressing…Then Espio used his tail to flip her over (he can do this) and put his penis into her butt. He moved his penis in circles in her butthole like he was building a golf course and digging out the back 9.” –Chapter 6
Chapter Seven is nonsense. Amy was tied up by the psychopathic Shadow, who also answered Sonic on Sonic messenger. So it wasn’t Amy that said no, it was Shadow that denied Sonic sex, so rejoice! Maybe we’ll get a Sonic sex scene, or maybe I’ll drink bleach!
Espio got Rouge full-on pregnant in one day.
“Amy was smiling for real to Rouge. ‘That’s so nice! I hope you have a great baby.’ Said Amy.
Sonic tried to be a good boy friend and said “Hope your baby is cool.” And Smiled. Espio looked more worried than everybody else.
‘So I am gonna be your baby’s dad?’ said Espio, worried and excited, both.
‘Better believe it, fag boy,’ said a voice that sounded just like Shadow’s.” – Chapter 7 I have four more chapters for this blog post, I think I’ll go braindead before I finish.
Chapter eight opens to Shadow justifying why he tied up Amy, and it’s gibberish. Then Espio wants Rouge to get “a bortion.” I wonder if it’s similar to an abortion. Tails won the science fair and is pissed that Sonic didn’t come.
“Kiss my ass, dick!” screamed Tails to Sonic and flew out of the room with his flying tails.”-Chapter 8
Oh and Rouge was about to eat “a bortion” pill, but gives birth right there. In the course of one day. The teacher then helps Rouge give birth.
“Mrs. Lesson went behind the curtain and helped pull the baby out of Rouge’s butt…” –Chapter 8
In Chapter Nine, the baby comes out looking just like Knuckles. Is this a fanfiction or a telenovela?
“Nudillos, Nudillos, el bebe es suyo!” Roja grito en Espanol.
“No, Roja, soy un Enchilada y eres un demonio, es imposible!” Nudillos gritaron.
It turns out Knuckles and Rouge had a secret relationship. Espio and Knuckles are going to fight, Sonic asks Amy for sex again, and fails.
“’Ding dong’ said Espio’s doorbell.” –Chapter 9 Why though?
In Chapter 10, Tails is still mad with Sonic.
“‘Why are YOU here?’ Screamed Tails with the anger of a million angry birds.’
Tails stole Sonic’s journal, and then goes all emo because Sonic wanted to have sex with Amy. Knuckles and Espio fights, there’s more awkward dialogue. Rouge talks to her baby, her baby talks back and calls the world an “evil world.” Espio wins, Knuckles kisses him, and Knuckles climbs into Rouge, coming out of her butt as a little Espio baby.
“When knuckles kissed him, he did I extra hard, sometimes with his eyes shut and sometimes looking into Espio’s dep yellow eyes that looked like a circus of loving men. Their tongues met in the middle of their moths like two chicken cutlets that were acting like cats that loved each other. When Espio was watching fighting videos last night, he was not expecting he was going to have to do kissing, too. But he liked it.”-Chapter 10 for such a homophobic author, why is this beyond homoerotic?
“Knuckles glided on the wind forward through the crowd of people in front of him and into Rouge’s mouth, where he disappeared into. It was a good thing Rouge’s baby had premonitions and told her to lie down, as then Knuckles did a U-turn in Rouge’s sex-filled body and came out of her butt as a newborn baby that looked like Espio. This was all science.”
Paired with the song “Lacrimosa,” the end of this chapter is far more epic.
In Chapter 11, they tell Knuckle’s mom about Knuckles and Knuckles Jr. (Knuckles being Espio’s baby and Knuckles Jr. being Knuckles’ baby.) Then Tails and Cream almost get it on.
“‘Aww man,’ said Tails. Tails put his scrotum away and was sad about not getting to ejaculate his dick.” –Chapter 11 also the only thing I found redeemable in the stream of consciousness and gibberish.
I’m going to give my brain some time to rest.