4. Call of Pony: Equestrian Warfare

Poe’s law is the state in which you can’t tell the difference between a parody/satire from an actual extremist view without a clear indicator. It came into fruition on a creationist forum, where a commenter made an absurd view, but ended with a winky face, to which another commenter pointed out how it was a good indicator that the original commenter wasn’t serious. ,0What I am reading today lacks any indicator, I am left to wonder “do any bronies (male fans of My Little Pony) write fan fiction crossovers with Call of Duty?”

The answer seems to be yes, but at the same time, the gold mine of “Call of Pony: Equestrian Warfare” just seems too good to be true. I also wish it weren’t a true piece of fan fiction, so I would have one less reason to hate the internet, yet all signs point to “this real or an incredibly dedicated internet troll,” either are cringe worthy.

“Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity, To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, Would you capture it or just let it slip?” -Eminem. Desert Storm was given one shot. He made decisions. He made bodies. He made scars and secrets, all because he was given a voice. Gideon was saved from evil. Logan was rescued from Hell. Ghost was revived. They were given a choice- The description of this mess lets me know I made a terrible decision.

We start of the fan fiction with one of the worst poems/songs I’ve ever seen, Call of Duty fan fiction. Now how someone can write a poem about a video game where you shoot things senseless is beyond me, yet our author seems to have done it.

The first glaring problem with this story is it suffers from a common fan fiction issue, moving points of view. You don’t have to focus on one character for the entirety of the story, but you also don’t need to make it glaringly obvious with “(Insert shitty name’s) POV,” it’s always a bad sign, especially since this is all in first person.

Three of four main characters turn out to be Call of Duty protagonists, which I didn’t know on my first read through. This makes more sense, but is still saddening.

kill-me-now

Yeah, this is real for whatever reason. There’s even MLP x Fargo fan art, which makes me sad, I love Fargo and the Coen Brothers. This is by thecomoosenist.deviantart.com

 

Chapter 1: Holy hell, each character gets between one to three paragraphs, and there is no plot line whatsoever. The first character, Gideon, is pulled out of a helicopter by a zombie, then has his “exo” arm ripped out. He believes he’s bitten, and end scene. Also, the writer cannot spell penitentiary, but that’s a nitpick.

The next character is a pony, Desert Storm (are you kidding me) describes the “call of duty” and I want to vomit.

“Do you hear it calling? Maybe. Maybe not. I won’t knock you for it if you don’t. Not all the lovely pony souls out there are built for war. Hay, not even mine was at the start.” –Chapter 1. Spare me, please.

The next character, Ghost, is our local edgy teenager, and he dies. Sadly he comes back, but I’ll relish it for now.

The final character is Logan, who wakes up in an unnamed Latin American Jungle with a syringe in him, and he’s imprisoned by someone named Rorke, whom I’m sure if I were a twelve year old CoD player, then I’d know who that is.

The next chapter is in the perspective of an established character, but isn’t the worst writing I’ve seen in fan fiction, the grammar and spelling is there for the most part, but the quality is brought down by ponies talking about the zombie apocalypse. Reading two ponies talk about humans fills me with existential dread. There is one major plot hole here (ignoring talking ponies having visions,) the author seems to imply that war doesn’t occur in Ponyland, so how do they know the word for war?

Chapter three shows us how Ghost dies, and then it goes back to a pony princess, who brings a human to another pony, and what am I reading? Normally by now I’d have found some hilariously bad quotes, but this is such a flat and dry read, that I’d be hard pressed to find them.

Chapter four rolls around, nothing of importance happens; zombies, barricading, and probably a pony reaching through dimensions to come to a soldier bitten by a zombie; just an average day in the life.

Chapter five opens with a quote from Carl Jung. Yes, from Carl Jung. These quotes at the beginning of the chapters all seem out of place, but that’s like putting Freud in a Flintstones Christmas special. Seriously, Jung was a psychoanalyst but what did he do to deserve this treatment. Oh yeah, and the chapter is a mess of POV’s. Logan, who is dying, is saved by Pony Princess Luna through pony magic. Each word I type here hurts me. Logan is also tortured by the Rorke fellow, but a pony sort of saves him, or something like that.

Chapter six is only an author’s note, and it’s pretty heavy. The kid was told to kill himself, and I mean My Little Pony and Call of Duty is a bad mixture, but let’s have some tact. Internet is a rough place. Attack the work, not the artist.

kill-me-now-1

Why are these real? @ broniesaustralia.com.au

Unlike other things I have read, this fan fiction is entirely mediocre. The author might have some talent somewhere in him, and seems to have a grasp on the English language (for the most part,) which seems to be an increasingly rare talent, yet the story is still clumsy, a smorgasbord of ideas thrown together in an incredibly odd manner. The story matter isn’t the author’s intellectual property, the characters mostly aren’t his, a steady plot-line is heavily needed, and I certainly don’t like or appreciate what he’s a fan of, yet all of this could have been much worse. All I can hope for is for the author to drop fan fiction and consider honing his skills in creative fiction, because there is room for redemption here, as bad as ponies and CoD are.

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