1. My Immortal

The internet is a vast hellhole, trends rarely last more than a week, and remembering a joke you saw on a forum a month ago feels like remembering a childhood story in terms of time. Yet sometimes, something escapes this trap and becomes infamous, entering the annals of the internet. Political leaks, celebrity interviews, and shitty fan fictions. The most famous example of this is “My Immortal,” named after an Evanescence song, but it is more aptly known as the “worst fanfiction ever.” The story follows a young self-insert vampire named “Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way”(try saying that with a mouth full of cyanide pills), and her adventures of teen sex, drugs, self harm, pedophilia, kidnapping, suicide, misspelling her own name, and much more in the magic school of Hogwarts.

Ebony

A brave artist’s rendition of the main character. No, the bloody tears are not a product of artistic license. @pseudoswagg.deviantart.com

There are far too many problems with this shitshow; the atrocious spelling, syntax, and grammar, the horrifying plot, the complete abandonment of the characters personalities for the writer’s amusement, the lack of proofreading, how many brain cells I lost reading this, and the fact that the author never actually read the series, instead having only watched the movies. This somehow adds insult to injury, even to a non-Potter fan like myself.

To expand on these points:

  • This “work” is a cautionary tale for show not tell, as the Mary Sue main character devotes a paragraph or two in each short chapter to describe herself, specifically what she’s wearing, though her wardrobe never changes much from chapter to chapter. I would say the author could take a lesson from Hemingway on character description, but I’d recommend some lessons in spelling and grammar first.  In the vein of awful spelling, the author’s notes somehow manage to trump the actual body of work, a feat worthy of noting.

“AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!” An Author’s Note, though it seems more like the result of a muscle spasm near a keyboard.

“AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn’t a Marie Sue ok she isn’t perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!” This story is making me depressed.

  • The author is averse to actually describing sex, and to an extent cursing. She refuses to even use the word “penis,” yet throws around “fuck” like it’s a greeting. “Orgasm” is also perfectly fine. The sex scenes are so rushed, poorly written, and boring, that it makes me think I’ve seen drying paint that was more arousing.

“We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)” -My Immortal, Chapter Seven. Yes, it is stupid, actually.

  • Most sub-par writing still has some form of a cohesive plot, but this story barely has a plot, let alone a cohesive one. This story jumps far too often to even use the word “plot.” At one point, when Draco commits suicide because of Ebony’s homophobia break up with him,  she then tries to slit her wrists with a silver knife he supposedly gave her to defend herself with. This is supposed to kill her, though she mentions literally a few paragraphs before that a vampire can only be killed with a cross or a “steak.” No, not a “stake,” but I do wonder if she meant Top Sirloin or New York Strip.

“Oh Draco, Draco!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!
I was so angry.
“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.
“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.
“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!” -My Immortal Chapter 7. Apparently it’s fine if the main character is bisexual, but when Draco and ‘Vampire’ are, then they have the “gay disease.”

“I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.”  I’m not sure if I should laugh at the absurdity of this, or be concerned that slitting wrists is mentioned so casually. I’ll go with uneasy laughter.

  • Why do bands play at Hogwarts seemingly every day. If you don’t find Ebony in her room cutting herself and drinking blood, having sex with Draco, or getting yelled at by Dumbledore, then she’s probably moshing at a My Chemical Romance or Good Charlotte concert.
  • The worst plot point to ever be conceived is time travel, and the author goes there. Halfway through the story, Ebony travels back to seduce Voldemort, and ends up meeting “Morty McFli.” He’s in there for a good three sentences.

I could continuously point out singular flaws with this fanfiction, but it’s going to drive me into a mental asylum if I do. Rather, I think I’ll come to a close. In this piece of shit, we see a goth girl trapped in amber, a window to a different time in the internet. We see a girl who can’t spell her own name correctly, let alone anyone else’s name, can’t spell in general, and came up with possibly one of the worst plots to ever be conceived.

If none of this has deterred you, you can find a re-host of this modern epic at: http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/

Edit: The Mary Sue slips up and uses her real first name around Chapter 27. All hope is lost.

Second edit: Some rando managed to hack into the author’s account for the last few chapters, and by trolling had actually improved the story. Kudos, Mister Troll.

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